Sexual Rights are Human Rights

Dr. Bouchard’s

“Consensual Sex Code of Conduct” Cheatsheet

&

“Sexual Bill of Rights”

“What Everyone Needs to Understand About Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault”

By Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist

Author's Note:

Given the renewed media attention on sexual assault,

I have updated and reposted these guidelines to shed light on the issue and raise awareness on this ongoing problem.

MRB 2024

Originally published in 1994; recently updated edtion (below) published in 2024

This article is 100% AI Free, written solely by the author in its entirety

Dear Friends & Colleagues the World Over,

As an accredited Doctor of Human Sexuality and old-school, no-nonsense, clinical sexologist in private practice as a sex therapist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for well over 30 years (tempus fugit!), my goal has been to have a lasting beneficial influence upon my clients.

Primarily, by providing them with nonjudgmental positive regard while presenting accurate information, effective relating skills guidance, and supportive encouragement leading to healthy, informed and empowering choices and behaviors.

Especially those resulting in long-term feelings of fulfillment and well-being—in and out of the bedroom.

To that end, this article includes my periodically updated "Sexual Bill of Rights" and an expanded version of "Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Sex Code of Conduct Cheatsheet." It also includes a new, structured roadmap companion Study Guide to help readers digest, analyze, and retain this complex information. Each of these resources is intended to promote intentional, respectful, and mutually fulfilling relationships rooted in honesty and personal accountability.

The following “Sexual Bill of Rights,” contains the original "10 Basic Sexual Rights" as stated in 1976 by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California (from which Dr. Bouchard received his Ph.D. in Human Sexuality in 1994).

It includes an additional three Basic Sexual Rights as compiled by Dr. Bouchard—namely, Basic Sexual Rights #'s 11, 12 & 13, which over the course of several decades Dr. Bouchard came to recognize as requisite amendments—hereby comprising his amended "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" now presented below for your thoughtful consideration.

Within this context, let us commence by reviewing Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet. Beginning by defining and differentiating moral consensual sex from immoral non-consensual sex; the former composing the essence of free will choice upon which wholesome and mutually empowering sexual expression takes root and thrives.

Dr. Bouchard's
"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct"
Cheatsheet

(12-15 minute short-read)

Disclaimer:

The author is providing guidance in a counseling and health educator capacity, not as a legal professional.

The information contained in these guidelines is intended solely for educational and informational purposes
as general guidance for social and sexual conduct.

It does not constitute, and should not be substituted for, professional legal counsel or formal psychological therapy.

The reader assumes all responsibility for how they apply the insights and information contained herein.

Please Be Advised

As a clinical sexologist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades,

Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—

meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.

Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse

Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including, but not limited to: abuse, assault, bestiality, constraint, coercion, exploitation, fraud, harassment, human trafficking, incest, intimidation, pedophilia, rape, satanic ritual abuse (SRA), sextortion, and violence, along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted, behaviors of a sexual nature—whether perpetrated upon a child or an adult, are all criminal acts and categorically abhorrent.

This prohibition extends to all forms of sexual misconduct, sexual assault, and sexual abuse—umbrella terms that encompass various non-consensual infractions and criminal sexual offenses.

These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration, the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent, condom stealthing (removal of a condom after agreement to use one), spousal or partner rape, unwanted touching, groping, or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing, forced kissing or physical coercion, voyeurism/secret peeping, exhibitionism, indecent exposure, text-based solicitation, public masturbation, stalking or unauthorized tracking, and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.

All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.

Case in Point:

Digital misconduct is a mushrooming reality, becoming especially critical when examining how modern statutes handle digital harassment. A prime example is the intersection of cyberflashing and electronic obscenity laws—an area everyone needs to understand.

Many U.S. state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.

Because ignorance of the law constitutes no defense, it is a good idea to check your local and state regulations to stay compliant and protect yourself from unintended liabilities and consequences.

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing and Electronic Obscenity Laws

Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent to public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent—via text, email, social media, dating apps, or proximity-sharing features like AirDrop.

This behavior goes far beyond rudeness; it is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates both social norms and the law. This prohibition extends without exception to any and all non-consensual behaviors.

Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment, distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery, unauthorized access to private digital media, and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including sextortion and revenge porn. The law also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. All of these violations are collectively known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA).

Secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden camera or electronic recording device without consent, also known as unauthorized "sneak" recording, is not only a crime, but also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will.

Depending on your jurisdiction, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific cyberflashing or unlawful electronic transmission laws.

A word to the wise: Do not engage in any of these prohibited behaviors and you will spare yourself a world of trouble.

Love One Another Kindly—and Lawfully

Just a reminder to ensure everyone is on the same page:

"Ignorance of the law excuses not."

Informed sexual consent leading to physical intimacy between adults must be affirmative, conscious, and voluntarily given by both parties before engaging in mutually approved sexual activity. Ideally, sexual consent is attained through a safe, open, and ongoing discussion leading to greater understanding of and respect for each other's boundaries.

Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.

It is vital that everyone understands that consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any time—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.

Be Advised:

Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact

You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity
that has completely concluded.

Simply put, while consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience,
it cannot be taken back after the fact.

So everyone is clear, you can withdraw consent at any point during sex,
but legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.

Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused

Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;

Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.

Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential

Emotional readiness to have sex is not a given; the fact that you want to have sex with someone does not mean you are ready or that it is even a good idea.

It is entirely normal to experience feelings of shame, guilt, or regret after giving sexual consent; these complex emotional reactions often surface once you have had time to reflect on the experience.

Keep in mind that just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't sometimes feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments. Realizing a choice didn't serve you after the fact is simply part of navigating relationships, setting personal boundaries, and growing through uncertainty. In the end, we live and we learn.

Regret is a sense of self-judgment and "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. A choice we come to later regret is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.

Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied; it is an act of violence inflicted by another.

The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent

Simply put: If at any time during a sexual encounter you feel uncomfortable or change your mind—for any reason at all—you retain the right to tell your partner to stop. Consent is an ongoing choice, and you always maintain complete autonomy of your body.

When sexual consent is withdrawn it must be respected immediately by completely halting the activity in every respect. Continuing to engage in the sexual behavior(s) once a person changes their mind and withdraws sexual consent is considered NON-CONSENSUAL and a violation of their free will sovereignty.

It is also vital to understand that granting consent to one sexual activity does not imply granting consent to other sexual activities. Sexual boundaries must therefore be clearly communicated and strictly respected in an ongoing dialogue as necessary to ensure consent is mutually given and received—ideally, enthusiastically so by both parties.

What is a “Sexual Code of Conduct”?

A sexual code of conduct is not a rigid set of rules imposed by someone else; it is a personal playbook based on your own values. Giving ongoing thought to and openly discussing your core values with others can help you decide in advance what you are and what you are not willing to accept.

Here is what practicing a personal code looks like in the real world:

Defining your pace: Deciding what physical boundaries feel comfortable for you right now, independent of what a partner wants or what seems "normal" on social media.
The "Green Light" rule: Choosing to only move forward when there is enthusiastic, mutual consent, and stopping immediately if a partner seems hesitant, quiet, or unsure.
Sober consent: Agreeing with yourself (and your partner) that major sexual decisions or new physical steps will only happen when everyone is sober and thinking clearly.
Digital boundaries: Setting clear rules about what you will and won't share online—such as refusing to send explicit photos if it makes you uncomfortable, and never sharing a partner's private texts or photos with others.
Honest communication: Speaking up immediately if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or simply doesn't feel right, rather than going along with it just to please someone else.
Sexual health accountability: Making a firm rule to use protection and get regular STD screenings, viewing it as a non-negotiable step to protect both yourself and your partner.

Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect

In the simplest terms, sexual self-respect is an active practice that bridges internal integrity with external behavior to create healthy, resilient intimacy.

In today's age of starless narcissism and unmoored morality, let the virtuous constellation of authentic self-acceptance, emotional mutuality, morally grounded principles, basic human decency, good intent, and the personification of honor—both in and out of the bedroom—be your guiding stars for making healthy choices in romance and intimacy.

Drawing on these benevolent guiding principles and a psycho-sexual sextant of self-respect is one of the most effective ways to navigate intimacy and desire through the shifting tides of attraction, modern dating, human relationships, sexuality, and personal values.

Chart your course by aligning your inner integrity with your external relational conduct to generate a balanced mindset rooted in established ethical and psychological frameworks of self-respect. True self-respect comes when your inner values match your outer behavior.

Ultimately, sexual self-respect functions as a dynamic, transformative springboard that helps individuals align their core values with how they treat others in relationships.

Follow them, and yours will be a well and honorably lived life.

To betray them is to invite chaos. The hard truth is that without these essential guiding lights to provide direction and purpose, yours will be a rueful life built on shifting sands, destined to erode under the weight of your own compromises and hollow pursuit of fleeting pleasures.

Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. Authentic connection and ethical treatment of others stem directly from a healthy, dynamic sense of your own worth and boundaries. This alignment requires you to act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself.

Principles and Virtues: What Drives Your Choices?

Principles and virtues are both important guiding forces in a person's life, yet they differ in their focus and application. Principles are fundamental beliefs or values that shape a person's behavior and decision-making process. They serve as a moral compass and help individuals stay true to their beliefs and values.

On the other hand, virtues are qualities or traits that are considered morally good and desirable, such as honesty, integrity, and compassion. While principles provide a foundation for ethical behavior, virtues are the qualities that individuals strive to embody in their actions and interactions with others.

In essence, principles guide one's beliefs and values, while virtues shape one's character and behavior.

Simply stated:

Principles are fundamental rules or beliefs that guide you.

Virtues are the traits that help you live according to those rules.

Principles set the standards by which you live, while virtues are the qualities you embody to meet those standards. Principles guide decision-making; virtues shape character and behavior. Together, they act as a moral compass for a person’s beliefs, actions, and decisions.

In short, principles provide the foundation for moral decision-making, and virtues ensure that those decisions are reflected in consistent, admirable behavior. Together, they bridge the gap between knowing what is right and actually doing it. Without principles, virtues lack a clear direction; without virtues, principles remain nothing more than empty theories.

True Intimacy Requires Wholeness, Not Just Sex

Creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship ultimately begins with you—by anchoring yourself in self-acceptance and basic human decency, you build the internal strength needed to recognize and choose partners who treat you with the honor you deserve, both in and out of the bedroom.

Likewise, acknowledging that our bodies, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. In the end, honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure, ideally leading to intimacy grounded in reciprocal respect, trust, and mutual emotional attunement.

Stop waiting for the perfect relationship and start building it. Healthy relationships do not just happen by accident. Genuine intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing the inner self with outer behavior. A person must blend their internal integrity—their core moral values and personal boundaries—with their external relational conduct, which is how they actually treat and interact with their partners. This ability develops from self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent application until it becomes a habit.

In the final analysis, sexual self-respect serves as an active guide that helps you navigate the complex choices, desires, and challenges of intimate relationships while providing the essential boundaries needed to prevent your love life from going supernova.

To establish these boundaries, you must first learn to honor your own needs alongside your partner's. At its core, mutual respect is rooted in clear understanding and practicing active sexual consent.

Empower Yourself:
When in Doubt, Check it Out

Exercise critical thinking to ask questions and determine whether you are both on the same page. Posing short and straightforward questions to elicit sexual consent, such as "Do you want to make out?" or "Are you okay with me doing this?" or "How far do you feel comfortable going tonight?" are effective and about as unobtrusive as you can get without totally ruining the moment. Be sure to make eye-contact and pay attention to their body language when you ask. Should they seem hesitant, or otherwise say "no," DO NOT PROCEED.

Sexual Consent Must be Reciprocal

Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do (for example, engaging in unsafe sex) by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.

Moreover, sexual consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, asleep or unconscious.

Consent Requires Agency

In essence, "agency" means that a person cannot truly give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make their own choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation or violence. Agency refers to a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.

Agency is not just the ability to say "yes"; it is the absolute freedom to say "no" without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.

If someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or lacks necessary information—such as the intentional hiding of a sexually transmitted disease—they lack agency. This means any "consent" they give is legally and ethically invalid; sex without consent is always rape.

Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone without their consent, it is rape—and just to be clear, that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

Simply put—

No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.

Likewise—

You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.

Sexual consent requires more than just the absence of a "no";

Legal sexual consent demands an active, affirmative "yes" through clear words or actions.

WITHOUT FREELY GIVEN CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT, any and all forms of unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against the will of another person are actionably unlawful, morally loathsome and criminally felonious.

When Consent is Uncertain, Hold Off—

Until You Ask and Find Out

Sexual consent MUST be actively sought and freely given, and

CANNOT be assumed from silence, passivity, or lack of resistance.

Exercise respect and basic common sense: NEVER assume sexual consent.

In plain-speak:

When in Doubt, Check it Out—
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!

The moral and legal crux of NON-CONSENTING SEX isn't difficult to grasp—

Sex without consent is always rape.

* * *

Having received numerous requests for a summary of "Dr. Bouchard’s Consensual Sex Code of Conduct,"

the following Study Guide is now provided below:

“Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Sex Code of Conduct”

Study Guide

Key Takeaways for Your Advisement

Core Principles

Non-Judgmental on Consent: As a clinical sexologist, sexual health educator, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades, Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.

Zero Tolerance for Misconduct: Any form of sexual misconduct—including assault, coercion, exploitation, and harassment—is categorically abhorrent, unlawful, and a violation of personal sovereignty.

The Golden Rule: No one has the right to touch you without your permission, and you do not have the right to touch anyone else without theirs.

What Defines Valid Consent

Active and Affirmative: Consent requires a clear, conscious, and voluntary "yes" through explicit words or actions.

Never Assumed: Silence, passivity, or a lack of resistance do not equal consent. When in doubt, you must stop and ask.

Open Communication: Ideally, consent is reached through safe, ongoing discussions about boundaries.

Capacity is Required: Individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, asleep, unconscious, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol cannot give consent.

Consent Requires Agency

Agency means a person cannot give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make a choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation, or violence.
Agency is a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.
Agency is not just the ability to say yes; it is the absolute freedom to say no without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.
Agency is absent if someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or misinformed (such as the intentional hiding of an STD).
Any consent given without agency is legally and ethically invalid. Sex without consent is always rape.
If you do not give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone else without consent, it is rape. This clearly includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

Simply put—

No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.

Likewise—

You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.

What Defines Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse

These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration, the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent, condom stealthing (removal of a condom after agreement to use one), spousal or partner rape, unwanted touching, groping, or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing, forced kissing or physical coercion, voyeurism/secret peeping, exhibitionism, indecent exposure, text-based solicitation, public masturbation, stalking or unauthorized tracking, and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.

All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.

Case in Point:

Many U.S. state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing & Electronic Obscenity Laws

Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent of public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent. This typically happens via:

Direct messaging: Text messages, emails, and social media.
Dating platforms: Dating apps and matchmaking sites.
Proximity features: Local file-sharing tools like AirDrop.

Concise Legal and Social Concepts

Electronic sexual abuse is both a social taboo and a criminal offense. This behavior goes far beyond mere rudeness. It is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates social norms and the law.
Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment, distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery, unauthorized access to private digital media, and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including sextortion and revenge porn. The law also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. All of these violations are collectively known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA)
Unauthorized sneak recording involves secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden device without consent. This is a crime. It is also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will, as the stripping of agency over one's own image and actions affects well-being and identity.
Cyberflashing penalties vary by jurisdiction. Depending on where you are, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific electronic transmission laws.

Main Takeaway—

Smart rats exercise abundant caution where electronics and sexuality intersect,

steering clear of all these forbidden behaviors.

The Ongoing Nature of Consent

Reversible at Any Time: Consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any moment—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.

Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact

Be Advised:

You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity that has completely concluded.
While consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience, it cannot be taken back after the fact.
You can withdraw consent at any point during sex, but you cannot retroactively change your mind once it is over.

Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused

Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;

Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.

Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential

Psychological and emotional readiness to have sex is not a given. Wanting to have sex does not mean you are ready or that it is a good idea.
It is entirely normal to feel shame, guilt, or regret after giving consent. These complex emotions often surface upon reflection.
Just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments.
Realizing a choice didn't serve you is part of navigating relationships, setting boundaries, and growing through uncertainty. We live and we learn.
Regret is self-judgment, "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. It is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.
Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied. It is an act of violence inflicted by another.

The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent

Absolute Autonomy: If a partner feels uncomfortable or changes their mind for any reason, they have the right to demand that the activity stop.

Immediate Halt Required: Once consent is withdrawn, all sexual activity must stop immediately. Continuing past this point is considered a non-consensual violation.

What is a “Sexual Code of Conduct”?

Here is what practicing a personal code looks like in the real world:

Defining your pace: Deciding what physical boundaries feel comfortable for you right now, independent of what a partner wants or what seems "normal" on social media.
The "Green Light" rule: Choosing to only move forward when there is enthusiastic, mutual consent, and stopping immediately if a partner seems hesitant, quiet, or unsure.
Sober consent: Agreeing with yourself (and your partner) that major sexual decisions or new physical steps will only happen when everyone is sober and thinking clearly.
Digital boundaries: Setting clear rules about what you will and won't share online—such as refusing to send explicit photos if it makes you uncomfortable, and never sharing a partner's private texts or photos with others.
Honest communication: Speaking up immediately if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or simply doesn't feel right, rather than going along with it just to please someone else.
Sexual health accountability: Making a firm rule to use protection and get regular STD screenings, viewing it as a non-negotiable step to protect both yourself and your partner.

Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect

In the simplest terms, sexual self-respect is an active practice that bridges internal integrity with external behavior to create healthy, resilient intimacy.

Drawing on these benevolent guiding principles and a psycho-sexual sextant of self-respect is one of the most effective ways to navigate intimacy and desire through the shifting tides of attraction, modern dating, human relationships, sexuality, and personal values.

Ultimately, sexual self-respect functions as a dynamic, transformative springboard that helps individuals align their core values with how they treat others in relationships.

Follow them, and yours will be a well and honorably lived life.

Sexual Self-Respect & Honor: Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. Authentic connection and ethical treatment of others stem directly from a healthy, dynamic sense of your own worth and boundaries. This alignment requires you to act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself.

Principles and Virtues: What Drives Your Choices?

Principles Defined: Fundamental rules, beliefs, or values that serve as a moral compass to guide decision-making.
Virtues Defined: Morally good traits and qualities—like honesty and compassion—that shape character and behavior.
The Relationship: Principles set the ethical standards, while virtues are the qualities embodied to actually meet those standards.
The Synergy: Principles provide the necessary direction, while virtues bridge the gap between knowing what is right and consistently doing it.

Philosophical and Psychological Virtues Essential for Self-Mastery

You would do well to cultivate the gentle arts of these philosophical and psychological virtues in all your intimate relationships:

Authentic self-acceptance consists of knowing yourself—you cannot act rightly towards others if you do not have a grounded, truthful understanding of yourself.
Morally grounded principles reflect a commitment to moral objectivity that ensures your behavior is guided by internal values rather than external peer pressure or convenience.
Emotional mutuality ensures that care is not exploitive.
Basic human decency requires treating others as ends in themselves rather than means to an end.
Good intent represents the virtues of honesty and benevolence, and approaching others with transparency and a desire to care.
Unwavering honor bridges courage and integrity; true honor means your private behavior matches your public persona.

Stubbornly holding yourself to these high standards in moments of vulnerability and private intimacy is the ultimate test of moral character, self-respect, and honor.

True Intimacy Requires Wholeness, Not Just Sex

Foundation of Relationships: Building a healthy connection starts with self-acceptance, human decency, and recognizing your own worth.
Sexual Self-Respect: Acknowledging that your body, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter acts as an active guide for navigating intimacy safely.
Dual Harmony: Genuine intimacy balances internal integrity (core values and boundaries) with external conduct (how you actually treat your partner).
Cultivating Habits: Relational health requires self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent practice until it becomes natural.
Mutual Respect: Strong boundaries are rooted in a clear understanding of your own needs and the active practice of mutual sexual consent.

Stop Waiting for the Perfect Relationship—Start Building It

Acknowledging that our bodies, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. In the end, honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure, ideally leading to intimacy grounded in reciprocal respect, trust, and mutual emotional attunement.

Healthy relationships do not just happen by accident. Genuine intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing the inner self with outer behavior. A person must blend their internal integrity—their core moral values and personal boundaries—with their external relational conduct, which is how they actually treat and interact with their partners. This ability develops from self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent application until it becomes a habit.

To establish these boundaries, you must first learn to honor your own needs alongside your partner's. At its core, mutual respect is rooted in clear understanding and practicing active sexual consent.

The Bottom Line

Sex without consent is always rape.

* * *

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

True compatibility requires two people who are already at peace with themselves.

Published November 10, 2024

(18-20 minute short-read)

> > > > > > > This article is written solely by the author in its entirety < < < < < < <

Author's Note: In light of renewed media focus on sexual assault, these dating guidelines are designed to promote lawful, respectful, and honorable behavior that upholds basic human decency.

MRB 2024

Disclaimer: The author is providing guidance in a counseling and health educator capacity, not as a legal professional. The information contained in these guidelines is intended solely for educational and informational purposes as general guidance for social and sexual conduct. It does not constitute, and should not be substituted for, professional legal counsel or formal psychological therapy.

The reader assumes all responsibility for how they apply the insights and information contained herein.

Modern Dating on Your Terms:

Owning Boundaries, Handling Pushback, and Getting What You Want

Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D., Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist & Erotologist

Driven by Desire, Guided by Decency: A Modern Dating Toolkit for Everyone

Many of my clients have lamented in therapy that the modern romantic landscape of dating frequently feels shallow, exhausting, and completely aimless. In a dating culture that lacks a common ethical framework and prioritizes self-absorption, it is perilously easy to fall into toxic relationship patterns or make unhealthy choices.

To safely traverse this gnarly environment you need a strong set of personal values to act as your moral compass, ensuring you never lose sight of what truly matters—namely, your sexual health, happiness, and overall wellbeing.

It will come as no surprise that creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship ultimately begins—and ends—with you.

By anchoring yourself in loving self-acceptance and basic human decency, you can build the internal awareness needed to recognize and choose honorable partners who treat you with the care and respect you deserve, both in and out of the bedroom.

True Intimacy Requires Wholeness, Not Just Sex

Genuine intimacy is about wholeness, meaning that physical connection and sexual compatibility cannot be separated from emotional respect, good intentions, and moral character. Plainly put: True intimacy requires wholeness—not just sex.

The consensus is that Western society's standards for romance have deeply devolved over the last few decades, demanding that daters navigate a dark, dank, and directionless environment. The most common complaint is that today’s dating pool is filled with morally challenged, self-absorbed people who lack any ethical compass. Is it any wonder, then, that many feel modern dating is broken, superficial, and chaotic?

Be that as the cards are dealt—don’t throw in your chips!

Just as a card player has no control over the hand they are dealt, you must accept your current reality and work with it—and definitely not give up, quit, or forfeit.

No matter how bad your past situations or luck may be, if you ever want to find true pair-bonded love, you must stubbornly stay in the game, keep trying, and refuse to lower your standards!

As I have been advising clients in counseling sessions for nearly four decades:

“It is a risky thing to love,

yet to withhold our love is riskier still.”

The good news is that by adhering to a strict set of personal values, individuals can still co-create healthy, fulfilling, and loving relationships. And while doing so typically requires ongoing effort to consistently do it right, it is usually well worth the energy expended; if you are lucky, exponentially so.

All the same, to avoid the risks and consequences of making toxic or unhealthy romantic choices due to the negative state of modern dating culture, today’s daters need to protect themselves by continuously cultivating and consistently following a deliberate set of guiding principles.

A good place to start is for daters to review their personal core values, as they form the essential pillars of their character and connection. Ideally, these include, but are by no means limited to, the following indispensable noble virtues:

Core Values for Healthy Romance

Authentic Self-Acceptance: Knowing and valuing who you are before trying to fit into someone else's life. You cannot act rightly toward others if you do not have a grounded, truthful understanding of yourself.
Emotional Mutuality: The highest form of friendship is based on mutual goodness and vulnerability. It embodies sharing a two-way street of emotional support, vulnerability, and equal effort.
Morally Grounded Principles: Relying on a firm internal compass of right and wrong to guide how you treat others that reflects a commitment to moral objectivity.
Basic Human Decency: Treating people with kindness, honesty, and fairness, even during disagreements. It requires treating people as ends in themselves rather than as means to an end.
Good Intent: Approaching dating with transparency and a genuine desire to care for the other person, rather than use them. The intent behind an action determines its moral worth.
Unwavering Honor: True honor means your private behavior matches your public persona. Holding yourself to high standards in moments of vulnerability and private intimacy is the ultimate test of moral character.

To recap: Building a lasting, fulfilling relationship that goes the distance requires developing and habitually applying each of these essential pillars of character and connection in your love life.

The Foundation of Sexual Self-Respect

Acknowledging that our bodies, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter fundamentally shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings. Not only does this internal foundation directly guide our sexual respect for ourselves and others, but it also helps us stick to our own boundaries, especially during intense, heat-of-the-moment situations. By recognizing our own inherent worth, we naturally extend that same dignity to the people we date.

Ultimately, honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others—especially under pressure. Bad decisions don’t “just happen”; mature people take accountability for their choices.

"True character is revealed not when choices are easy,

but when boundaries are tested."

In sum: Aligning our actions with our beliefs—even in moments of vulnerability or external expectation—is what creates a secure sense of self. This steadfast commitment ideally leads to intimacy grounded in reciprocal respect, trust, and mutual emotional attunement.

Crafting Intimacy with Intention

Healthy relationships do not just happen by accident. They are built intentionally through everyday choices and shared experiences.

Genuine intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing the inner self with outer behavior. A person must blend their internal integrity—their core moral values and personal boundaries—with their external relational conduct, which is how they actually treat and interact with their partners. Without this alignment, a disconnect forms, leading to conflict or emotional distance. In short, as the old adage warns, “Talk is cheap.” Therefore, trust only movement—as in, not what people say, but what people actually do.

Core Point: The ability to match our values with our actions does not appear overnight. It develops steadily from self-awareness, deep reflection, self-discipline, and consistent application until it becomes a habit. Over time, these deliberate practices transform into an intuitive way of relating to yourself and others.

Genuine Intimacy Requires Balancing the Inner Self with Outer Behavior

Foundation of Relationships: Building a healthy connection starts with self-acceptance, human decency, and recognizing your own worth.
Sexual Self-Respect: Acknowledging that your body, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter acts as an active guide for navigating intimacy safely.
Dual Harmony: Genuine intimacy balances internal integrity (core values and boundaries) with external conduct (how you actually treat your partner).
Cultivating Habits: Relational health requires self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent practice until it becomes natural.
Mutual Respect: Strong boundaries are rooted in a clear understanding of your own needs and the active practice of mutual sexual consent.

Navigating the Complexities of Love

In the final analysis, sexual self-respect serves as an active guide. It acts as an internal compass that helps you navigate the complex choices, desires, and challenges of intimate relationships. Love and passion are powerful forces, and without a framework of self-respect, they can easily become destabilizing.

Sexual self-respect provides the essential boundaries needed to prevent your love life from going supernova, protecting both your emotional well-being and the health and happiness of the relationship.

To establish these vital boundaries, you must first learn to honor your own needs alongside your partner's. It is a balance of standing up for yourself while practicing deep empathy for someone else.

Main Crux: At its core, mutual respect is rooted in clear understanding and practicing sexual consent—an ongoing, dynamic dialogue that ensures both individuals feel safe, valued, and fully seen.

What is a "Sexual Code of Conduct"? (Includes Practical Examples)

A sexual code of conduct is not a rigid set of rules imposed by someone else; it is a personal playbook based on your own values.

Obviously, not everyone’s core values are in alignment, making it critical to know and defend your own, and to find like-minded people who share and will respect yours. Giving ongoing thought to and openly discussing your core values with others can help you decide in advance what you are and what you are not willing to accept.

Here is what practicing a personal code looks like in the real world:

Defining your pace: Deciding what physical boundaries feel comfortable for you right now, independent of what a partner wants or what seems "normal" on social media.
The "Green Light" rule: Choosing to only move forward when there is enthusiastic, mutual consent and stopping immediately if a partner seems hesitant, quiet, or unsure.
Sober consent: Agreeing with yourself (and your partner) that major sexual decisions or new physical steps will only happen when everyone is sober and thinking clearly.
Digital boundaries: Setting clear rules about what you will and won't share online—such as refusing to send explicit photos if it makes you uncomfortable, and never sharing a partner's private texts or photos with others.
Honest communication: Speaking up immediately if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or simply doesn't feel right, rather than going along with it just to please someone else.
Sexual health accountability: Making a firm rule to use protection and get regular STD screenings, viewing it as a non-negotiable step to protect both yourself and your partner.

How to Communicate Your Boundaries (Without the Awkwardness)

Talking about sexual boundaries can feel intimidating, but it does not have to be a mood-killer. In fact, clear communication is an absolute necessity for genuine intimacy. The secret is to shift your mindset: you are not giving a formal lecture; you are simply sharing your personal playbook.

Here is how to bring up your boundaries naturally and confidently:

Pick the right timing: Do not wait until things are heating up in the bedroom to have a heavy conversation. Talk while driving, walking, or cooking dinner when the pressure is low.
Use "I" statements: Frame your boundaries around your own needs rather than accusing your partner. Say "I want to take things slow tonight" instead of "You are moving too fast."
Keep it casual but firm: Deliver your boundaries with calm confidence. A simple, "Hey, just so we're on the same page, I’m not ready to go all the way tonight, but I'm really excited to just hang out and make out," sets expectations perfectly.
Check in naturally: Use simple, low-stakes questions mid-moment to keep the dialogue flowing. "Do you like this?" or "Are you comfortable with this?" keeps you attuned without breaking the connection.
Positive reinforcement: When a partner respects a boundary or asks for your consent, acknowledge it. Saying, "I love that you asked me that," builds trust and reinforces good behavior.

The Compass of Connection: Sexual Self-Respect and Boundaries

Imagine driving a high-performance sports car down a winding mountain road at night. The engine is roaring, the adrenaline is pumping, and the thrill is unmatched. Now, imagine doing that exact same drive—but this time, the car has no GPS, no headlights, and absolutely no brakes. The experience shifts instantly from being an exhilarating ride to a terrifying countdown to a calamity.

Your love life, passion, and sexual desires are that high-performance engine.

They are raw, powerful, beautiful, and full of potential—yet driven by inherent, high-pressure risks. Not unlike negotiating a serpentine cliffside road, love’s blind curves and slippery surfaces require precise steering, a measured pace, and absolute focus with both eyes open to avoid veering off the edge.

The complex twists and turns along the sometimes precarious path of deep connection requires that we take into account the risks of heartbreak and of losing control should we push our engines too hard without careful handling.

Moreover, without a well-lubricated framework of self-respect, mindfulness, clear boundaries, and honest communication that finely tuned engine will inevitably seize up and grind your love life to a halt.

"Boundaries aren’t walls meant to keep people out;

they are the roadmap, headlights, and the brakes

that allow you to enjoy the ride safely."

Key Point: Building a healthy intimate life doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intention, a personal playbook, and the courage to drive at your own pace.

Handling Pushback: When a Partner Reacts Negatively

What happens when you speak your truth and your partner reacts with anger, guilt, or manipulation? As I often tell clients, “It’s never ‘the what’ and always ‘the how’ of our response that ultimately determines ‘what’s next’ during disagreements.”

How your partner treats your boundaries tells you everything you need to know about their ability to respect you. If they push back, sigh, pout, or try to negotiate, you are no longer in a safe, consensual space—and that’s a huge red flag!

Here is exactly how to handle boundary pushback directly and firmly:

Recognize the manipulation: Identify behaviors like guilt-tripping ("If you loved me, you would"), gaslighting ("You're being overly sensitive"), or comparison ("My ex never had an issue with this"). Simply reply “No sale!” and hold firm.
Hold the line with zero negotiation: A boundary is not a negotiation or a compromise. Reiterate your stance only once, stating clearly: "I said no, and that isn't going to change tonight."
De-escalate and create physical distance: If you continue to feel pressured, you need to remove yourself from the situation. Sit up, turn on the lights, and put your clothes back on. Should you feel the need to end the date, vote with your feet and leave.
Evaluate the relationship: A partner who disrespects a small boundary will inevitably disrespect a large one. If someone throws a tantrum or makes you feel guilty for saying no, they have failed the basic test of intimacy. It may be time to walk away from the relationship entirely.

Deepening Mutual Honor: Consensual Alignment

True intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing who you are on the inside with how you act on the outside. To honor your own and your partner's values simultaneously, you must practice consensual alignment. This means moving past a simple "yes or no" and creating an environment where both of your principles can coexist happily.

Map your intersections: Sit down and discuss your core values. Find where your boundaries overlap. If you value waiting to have sex until you are exclusive, and your partner values spontaneity, look for a middle ground that protects your timeline while keeping dating fun and romantic (like planning unique, creative date nights). If you are unable to identify acceptable middle ground, the wisest move is to accept reality and throw this one back into the ocean and keep fishing.
Never assume a past "yes" is a permanent "yes": Human beings change. A boundary can shift based on mood, stress, or time. Honoring a partner means treating consent as a fresh, dynamic conversation every single time, rather than a contract signed in the past.
Normalize the "No": Create a relationship culture where saying "no" or "not right now" is received with total warmth and safety. When a partner feels safe to say no without fearing a negative reaction, their "yes" becomes infinitely more powerful and genuine.

Call to Action: Reflection & Journaling

You are encouraged to pause and reflect on all you have just read. Grab a journal, open a blank note on your phone, or simply find a quiet place to think through the following questions. Remember, there are no wrong answers.

Just keep in mind that self-directed behavior change happens best when we exercise the courage to be radically honest with ourselves:

The Core Blueprint: When you think about your own "sexual code of conduct," what are three personal values or boundaries that feel absolutely non-negotiable to you right now?
The Pressure Gauge: Can you think of a past situation where you felt pressured (by a partner, peers, or societal expectations) to compromise on a boundary? How did you handle it then, and how would you handle it differently now using the tools in this chapter?
The Communication Block: Which part of communicating a boundary feels the most awkward or uncomfortable for you? What is one phrase or strategy from this chapter that you could practice using to make it feel more natural?
The Response Test: Reflect on how people in your past have reacted when you said "no" or set a limit. Did their reaction make you feel safe or managed? Conversely, how do you typically react when someone sets a boundary with you?
The Alignment Check: In what ways can you actively create a safer space in your current (or future) relationships so that both you and your partner feel entirely free to say "not right now" without fear of disappointment or guilt?

Values Clarification Exercises

The following four exercises are provided to assist you in clarifying and honoring your personal core values and those of your partner.

Exercise 1: The Core Value Alignment (Internal Integrity) Goal: Identify your internal moral code so you can align it with your external relationship choices.

Step 1: Write down your top three non-negotiable core values in a relationship (e.g., radical honesty, emotional availability, mutual independence).
Step 2: Reflect on your last major relationship conflict or dating experience.
Step 3: Answer this question honestly: Did I compromise any of my top three values to keep the peace or please the other person?
Action: Write down one boundary statement you will use next time that value is tested (e.g., "I value open communication, so I need us to talk about this directly rather than dropping hints.").

Exercise 2: The "Yes, No, Maybe" Boundary Map (Sexual Self-Respect)

Goal: Establish a clear personal code of conduct regarding your body, desires, and limits before you are in a high-pressure situation.

Step 1: Take a piece of paper and create three columns: Yes (Things I love and enthusiastically want), Maybe (Things I am curious about but require high trust/discussion), and No (Hard stops that make me feel unsafe or disrespected).
Step 2: Fill out the map privately, focusing strictly on your own pleasure and comfort—not what you think a partner wants.
Action: Review your "No" column. Practice saying out loud, alone in your room: "I'm not comfortable with that," or "That doesn't work for me." Getting used to the muscle memory of saying the words makes them easier to deploy in the moment.

Exercise 3: The Daily External Behavior Check (Dual Harmony)

Goal: Ensure your outward behavior matches your inward commitment to human decency and respect.

Step 1: At the end of the day, pick one primary interaction you had with a partner or someone you are dating.
Step 2: Evaluate it using two lenses:

Did I respect their boundaries and emotional space today?

Did I communicate my own needs clearly, or did I resort to passive-aggression?

Action: If you realize your external conduct slipped beneath your internal values, send a quick text to own it: "Hey, I realized I was a bit defensive when you brought up X earlier. I want to make sure I'm really listening to you. Can we revisit it tomorrow?"

Exercise 4: The Low-Stakes Consent Practice (Mutual Respect)

Goal: Build the habit of active consent and mutual attunement in everyday, non-sexual scenarios so it becomes second nature during intimacy.

Step 1: Practice asking explicitly for permission on small things throughout the week rather than assuming.
Examples: "Do you mind if I play this podcast?" or "Are you in the right headspace for me to vent about work right now, or do you need a minute?"
Action: Pay close attention to their response. If they hesitate, practice responding with validation: "It sounds like you're not totally sure, let's do something else instead."

Main Thrust: Giving thought to these exercises will help you to identify your personal values, get along better with partners, and most importantly, build the resolve necessary to stick to your guns while maintaining your boundaries, no matter what.

Conclusion: Healthy Relationships are an Inside Job

Finding a good partner starts with being firmly anchored in personal integrity and grounded in who you are.

This internal grounding acts as your natural filter, allowing you to establish firm boundaries without guilt or hesitation. Upholding your integrity by honoring your core values and personal boundaries ensures you select a partner based on mutual respect rather than a temporary cure for loneliness or raging hormones.

We spend so much time building checklists for the “perfect partner,” yet rarely look at the traits we bring to the table. This oversight often stalls our search before it even begins; when all is said and done, only we can “fix” ourselves, and if not now, when?

After all, we cannot expect a relationship to do the heavy lifting of our own personal growth. To find that internal balance, we must cease looking for external solutions to internal problems.

"True compatibility requires two people who are already at peace with themselves."

For a relationship to grow stronger and more fulfilling, each partner must strive daily to be a better significant other; ideally resulting in both partners believing they are “the lucky one.”

Bottom Line: When you clear up your own emotional landscape and live authentically, you naturally change what you tolerate and who you attract. Choosing a companion then ceases to be about filling an empty void and becomes about sharing a whole, complete relationship, both in and out of the bedroom.

Final Takeaway: Like Attracts Like

By striving to become the type of person you genuinely want to meet, the right connection ceases from being something you have to chase; it simply becomes the next natural step in your personal evolution. For as in nature, like attracts like.

Once you shift your focus from hunting for the ideal partner to cultivating the ideal self, the gravity of your existence shifts. You cease broadcasting the frantic cadence of lack and begin radiating the serene assurance of fulfillment.

When you vibrate at the frequency of honesty, passion, and kindness, you naturally become a magnet for those exact traits. You no longer have to chase chaos by forcing open doors that were never meant for you; your very presence will naturally draw the people you want to meet and who want to meet you.

But don’t just take me at my word, try it for yourself—you’ll see!

Best of luck and enjoy the journey,

Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D., Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist & Erotologist

* * *

NOTE: For anyone wanting to better understand ethically responsible sexual consent, I suggest reading two of my other short-read articles on the subject matter:

1. "Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Sex Code of Conduct Cheatsheet & Sexual Bill of Rights" Part I (of II) "Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Code of Conduct Series"

2. "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault"

For anyone wanting to learn more about healing from childhood sexual abuse, you are encouraged to read my short 2020 article written on the subject, entitled,

3. "It’s NEVER Too Late to Heal Yourself from Childhood Sexual Abuse"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>><<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<

Sexual Bill of Rights

Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights

1. The freedom of any sexual thought, fantasy or desire.

2. The right to sexual entertainment, freely available in the market place, including sexually explicit materials dealing with the full range of sexual behavior.

3. The right not to be exposed to sexual material or behavior.

4. The right to sexual self-determination.

5. The right to seek out and engage in consensual sexual activity.

6. The right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve non-consensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion, fraud, or children under the age of 18.

7. The right to be free of persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior.

8. The recognition by society that every person, partnered or un-partnered, has the right to the pursuit of a satisfying consensual socio-sexual life free from political, legal or religious interference and that there need to be mechanisms in society where the opportunities of socio-sexual activities are available to the following: disabled persons; chronically ill persons; those incarcerated in prisons, hospitals or institutions; those disadvantaged because of age, lack of physical attractiveness, or lack of social skills; the poor and the lonely.

9. The basic right of all persons who are sexually dysfunctional to have available nonjudgmental sexual health care.

10. The right to control conception.

11. The right to the pursuit of sexual pleasure.

12. The basic right to seek a comprehensive sexuality education, including access to accurate and informed sexual information.

13. The right to grant, withhold, or withdraw consent at any point during a sexual encounter; that said, legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.

Sexual Rights are Universal Human Rights

* * *

I hope you have found this brief essay beneficial and empowering.

I encourage everyone to honor and uphold the principles of the "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" in all the wonderful ways you consensually express your sexuality, as well as to refrain from moralizing, criticizing or judging yourself or others for so doing. After all, to each their own; different strokes for different folks.

As there is no specific approach that fits every single person, strive to live and let live without judgment, control or interference and you will move through life with grace. All things considered, everyone is entitled to their own specific choices and viewpoints. To adapt a fitting truth—with apologies to the Bard:

This above all:

To thine own authentic, sovereign sexual self be true;

and to the sovereign sexual selves of others, hold true alike.

Think of it as practicing self-love; the greater our capacity for self-love, the greater our capacity for loving others. It really is that basic. And it starts by being honest with ourselves by accepting, and indeed celebrating, who we are as healthy and vibrant sexual beings.

Living in accordance with one's true, highest nature is essential.

It begins by living authentically with increased self-awareness, and acting in alignment with one's core values, beliefs and goals.

What's more, it is vital to remember that sexual abuse, violence, and all other sexually non-consensual actions are always in direct opposition to the values of sexual self-determination, and are therefore unacceptable under any and every circumstance.

Finally, please know that this concise "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet, while quite detailed, is not intended to be exhaustive.

For anybody—and especially those whom are sexually active—interested in learning more about the often ambiguous process of giving and receiving clear and freely communicated sexual consent and refusal, I recommend reading another of my Linked In articles, entitled, "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault." I wrote it back in 2020 specifically to help everyone hone this essential communication skill set (link enclosed below).

The Takeaway

The main objective of this essay has been to advocate for loving one another honorably in every way. Yet especially so in the pursuit of mutually satisfying your sexual instincts in ways that respect and enhance both parties' overall health, happiness and wellbeing.

This transformation happens primarily through the practice of sexual self-nurturance, also known as self-care. Who better to provide this than you—for if not you, then who?

Indeed, we can only extend to others the honor and respect we have already granted to ourselves; how we treat others is a direct reflection of how we treat ourselves. Since the two are so deeply connected, I truly hope you choose to treat yourself with honor, kindness, and respect.

For in the end, honor within oneself is the foundation for how we honor the world around us.

For Anyone Ready to Get Started

Embracing sexual self-compassion means giving yourself full permission to claim and celebrate your healthy sexual self. At the same time, it expands your precious emotional capacity to love and to be loved, beautifully allowing you to drink in and share the essence of human kindness with those you hold close.

And for anyone so inclined—don't be nervous. Once you get started, it's as easy as falling off a log!

Yours in honorable sexual relations for all,

Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist

NOTE: For anyone wanting to better understand ethically responsible sexual consent, I suggest reading my 2020 short-read article on the subject entitled, "What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault" also posted here on this webpage within Dr. M's Free Archive.

For anyone wanting to learn more about healing from childhood sexual abuse, you are encouraged to click the below link to read my short 2020 article written on the subject, entitled, "It’s NEVER Too Late to Heal Yourself from Childhood Sexual Abuse" also posted here on this website within Dr. M's Free Archive.

No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.

What Everyone Needs to Understand About
Sexual Refusal and Sexual Assault

by Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D.

February 29, 2020
(7-9 minute short read)

Author's Note: Given the current media attention on sexual assault,

I wrote this article to shed light on the issue and raise awareness about this ongoing problem.

MRB 2020

Empowering Consent: The Essential Role of Sexual Refusal Skills

Research studies over the last decade have determined that approximately one in three women and one in six men will experience some form of contact sexual violence in their lifetime. Given these unacceptably high rates, it is essential that each and every one of us develop a sexual refusal communication skill set so as to reduce the occurrence of sexual assault incidents.

Sexual refusal communication requires us to recognize and respect how people communicate sexual non-consent—specifically the verbal and non-verbal behavioral cues people use to say “no” when declining sexual activity—towards best ensuring understanding and cooperation when sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual.

What is vital for everyone to understand is that unless sexual consent is freely given any unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against a person’s will is a sexual assault.

As an enlightened and civilized society it is the collective concern, moral duty, and social responsibility for each of us to learn, recognize and respect times when someone we have sexual interest in does not want or give us their consent to engage in sexual activity. To avoid any misunderstanding, especially in light of today’s hook-up culture and online dating culture, it's essential that we pay close attention to our partner’s cues—whether subtle or overt, verbal or non-verbal, implicit or explicit—and respond accordingly by stopping our pursuit when it is unwanted.

Honoring Personal and Interpersonal Boundaries

We must make it our policy to receive any and all sexual refusals as sincere and legitimate and therefore needing to be taken seriously and with full compliance by stopping our unwanted behavior right away. The necessity of so doing is underscored by the fact that numerous studies have shown most teens and many adults still primarily communicate sexual consent non-verbally by a myriad of means, thus increasing the likelihood of unintentional sexual miscommunication. Accordingly, each of us needs to become skilled in identifying and respecting the many types of sexual refusal cues, and upon recognition of their delivery, immediately cease our pursuit without additional persistence or sexual coercion of any kind.

If we are to lessen occurrences of sexual assault and violence—whether unintentional or not—it requires that everyone have access to a basic sex education and corresponding moral training. Each of us must learn to morally respect the inalienable right of sexual self-determination by striving to honor the free will choices of others. Additionally, sexual assault prevention training must teach and empower everyone to stand up to and level vigorous protest against others whenever required in order to protect our personal boundaries and sexual rights from being violated by anyone.

In like manner, each of us must also be taught and empowered to stand down to any and all protests when leveled against us—no matter how falteringly or feebly delivered those protests may be—in order to protect the personal boundaries and sexual rights of others when it is we ourselves doing the violating.

Specifically saying “no” as a mechanism of explicit sexual refusal assumes that “no” sufficiently conveys that sexual activity is unwanted and non-consensual. Simply put: Sexual refusal communication is a process in which one party either initiates or increases the level of sexual activity, whereupon the other person rejects it, and the first party complies with that rejection by ceasing the offending behavior.

Circumstances in which a person does not comply with a rejection and continues to pursue sex post-refusal qualify as attempted or completed sexual assault. No exceptions.

When in Doubt, Speak Out and Ask

Respect for an individual’s sexual self-sovereignty insists that we never ignore or selfishly pretend not to notice when our partner pulls back, freezes, or otherwise verbally or non-verbally cues their disinterest or unwillingness to engage sexually with us. Better still, before getting too carried away, it is generally the best policy for both parties to be explicit in sexual consent communication. Ideally, the “gold standard” consent cue you each want to give and receive is an explicit verbal “yes” giving the green light to proceed.

When unsure about your partner's receptivity, boldly speak out and ask for affirmative sexual consent, especially when the two of you are sexually inexperienced together. Correspondingly, when you are on the receiving end of uninvited or otherwise unwanted sexual contact, speak out and firmly demand that it be stopped immediately.

It is important to understand that consent can be communicated both verbally (by saying yes) and non-verbally so long as it is being given voluntarily and when conscious. Actually talking about sex before things get too hot and heavy—if only to say what you want or don’t want to happen—can usually help to assess if you and the other party are both on the same wavelength, and when not, go a long way in preventing unintended sexual missteps from occurring.

It bears repeating: When in doubt—speak out and ask!

Sexual Consent: No Means No; Yes Means Yes

Historically in the past, “No Means No” sexual assault prevention campaigns have emphasized refusal communication. However, more recent “Yes Means Yes” sexual assault prevention education emphasizes affirmative consent via increased explicit communication. Therefore, acquiring proficiency in both refusal communication and affirmative consent appears to be the best approach for creating a sex-affirming setting where people feel comfortable in plainly communicating either their interest or disinterest for engaging together in sexual activity.

An added bonus of opening a dialogue to discuss and negotiate personal sexual limits, interests, and desires with a potential sexual partner is that it can actually be a very sexy process leading to increased closeness, enjoyment, satisfaction and more with one another. Likewise, clear and direct sexual communication is the surest way for creating an intimate and sex-positive mood that is based upon mutual respect and sexual self-determination. Such an “above board” approach is best for helping both parties feel comfortable in plainly stating and honestly communicating their sexual wants, limits, likes, dislikes, etc. with one another.

Something to keep in mind when you find sex too embarrassing to discuss with a potential partner is that you are probably not really emotionally ready to have sex with them anyway. When that is the case, you are far better off finding alternative, less sexually involved yet nonetheless still affectionate, fun, and rewarding activities to share together instead until such time that you each feel ready to have that conversation.

Sexual Respect for Others Starts with Sexual Self-Respect

In summary, should anyone ever presume, pressure, coerce, or otherwise try to force you to engage in sexual contact that you don’t want, or is against your better judgment, or is otherwise without you having first granted permission, demand that they stop immediately!

You are encouraged to always act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others—including upholding and respecting your personal sexual code of conduct, especially under pressure.

If it Ain't Respectful, it Ain't Love

Should this person profess to care for you while repeatedly disrespecting your personal boundaries you are better off without them. The fact is when you can’t reason with someone they leave you no healthy alternative but to separate yourself from a fraught situation by moving on alone without looking back. You will exercise emotional intelligence and set yourself up for the win by seeking a relationship with someone else more highly evolved and less controlling that actually respects rather than violates your wishes and personal boundaries.

When it comes to taking care of your mental, emotional, and physical health and well-being, the importance of firmly speaking up and advocating for yourself when you are on the receiving end of any unwanted sexual contact cannot be overemphasized. People who love someone show it by respecting their requests and feelings. Someone who truly cares about you will never apply pressure or force you to do anything against your will or that otherwise could land you in serious trouble, including risking your health and pregnancy by having unsafe and unprotected sex.

And while the following judgment may sound harsh it is simply the unvarnished truth about anyone in possession of an unrepentant molesting mindset: Anybody who continues to violate your sexual limits by refusing your repeated demands to stop is behaving in an abusive and controlling manner that is categorically inexcusable.

Developing the faculty to identify individuals expressing sexual interest in us is paramount to avoid making the mistake of misperceiving friendliness cues for sexual intent from someone where there is none, leading to mutual embarrassment for both parties. This skill set is also imperative for preventing any unpleasant repercussions that could follow from making unwanted sexual advances that might be interpreted as sexual harassment or sexual coercion, or worse yet, could lead to unintentional rape.

Vote with Your Feet

If a situation or person makes you feel unsafe or uncomfortable, you have the absolute right to walk away immediately without explanation or apology.

If their pestering persists despite your protests, take whatever evasive actions are necessary to immediately extricate yourself and escape the situation. Be especially careful when entering or staying in a romantic relationship with a controlling person who disregards your boundaries. Real love is built on respect.

In the final analysis:

Sex without consent is always rape.

Consent Requires Agency

Agency is not just the ability to say "yes"; it is the absolute freedom to say "no" without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.

Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone without their consent, it’s rape—and just to be clear, that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.

Thus for everyone's well-being, each of us must learn to subjectively assess a potential sex partner’s intent by focusing on cues and behaviors that convey possible interest and/or disinterest when pursuing any kind of sexual activity together, and put a stop to it instantly when it is unwanted.

Should anyone ever violate your sexual boundaries, immediately speak out strongly and without hesitation by ordering them to "Knock it off, NOW!!"

No One has a Right to Put their Hands on You Without Your Permission

It is a matter of practicing self-respect—not to mention self-preservation—to speak out without hesitation whenever someone trespasses your sexual boundaries. You practice self-respect by staying true to your values, sexual and otherwise. For each of us, the development and safeguarding of self-respect for one’s self, character, dignity, integrity, and conduct is an essential lifelong process requiring vigorous ongoing effort. Not only will you personally benefit from this practice, but so will others, as we can only give to others that which we first can give to ourselves.

Think of self-love as benefiting everybody.

Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Ourselves and Others

At the end of the day, when it comes to personal development and continuing evolution of the indispensable qualities involved in the expression of love and caring through mutually desired sexual activity, it all begins with the vigorous development, exercise and protection of self-respect. You could rightly think of practicing self-respect as the ultimate expression of self-love; the greater our capacity to love ourselves, the greater our capacity to love others.

Who knew?

When you come right down to it, it's really very simple:

Sexual Respect for Others Through Sexual Self-Respect

We can all do it, and for your own betterment and the greater good, I hope you do!

Yours in honorable sexual relations for all,

Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Hilo, Hawaii

Aloha and A Hui Hou!

Professional Counseling Services
CALL FOR A FREE PHONE CONSULTATION
Dial 808.965.8800 and ask for Dr. Michael

Text Resize

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault

Sexual Rights are Human Rights

Dr. Bouchard’s

“Consensual Sex Code of Conduct” Cheatsheet

&

“Sexual Bill of Rights”

Dr. Bouchard's
"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct"
Cheatsheet

Please Be Advised

When in Doubt, Check it Out—
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!

Sexual Bill of Rights

Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights

No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.

Empowering Consent: The Essential Role of Sexual Refusal Skills

Honoring Personal and Interpersonal Boundaries

Sexual Consent: No Means No; Yes Means Yes

Sexual Respect for Others Starts with Sexual Self-Respect

No One has a Right to Put their Hands on You Without Your Permission

Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Ourselves and Others

What Everyone Needs to Understand about Sexual Refusal & Sexual Assault

Sexual Rights are Human Rights

Dr. Bouchard’s

“Consensual Sex Code of Conduct” Cheatsheet

&

“Sexual Bill of Rights”

Dr. Bouchard's "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" Cheatsheet

Please Be Advised

When in Doubt, Check it Out— NON-CONSENT means STOP!!

Sexual Bill of Rights

Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights

No one has a right to put their hands on you without your permission.

Empowering Consent: The Essential Role of Sexual Refusal Skills

Honoring Personal and Interpersonal Boundaries

Sexual Consent: No Means No; Yes Means Yes

Sexual Respect for Others Starts with Sexual Self-Respect

No One has a Right to Put their Hands on You Without Your Permission

Self-Love: The Ultimate Gift to Ourselves and Others

Dr. Bouchard's
"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct"
Cheatsheet

When in Doubt, Check it Out—
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!