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Copyright
1997, Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. All rights reserved.
A Women’s How-To
Manual
Written by a Male Sex Therapist:
How to
Shape Up
Your Lover
All couples occasionally require a bit of sexual
enhancement and between-the-sheets adjustment. The following love lessons
show women how to guide their men into being their absolute best, both in
and out of the bedroom. For you men reading this manual, here’s a chance to
strut your stuff by applying the knowledge you’re about to gain within your
relationship. This 4-week “basic training” instruction plan promises to help
any woman shape her man into a better lover—and further enhance your mutual
satisfaction.
How to
Shape Up
Your Lover
(and Why You Should)
by Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Shaping a man is a lot like chiseling a stone—it begins with a great vision
that requires committed effort, patience, and persistence until completion.
Mostly, it requires a mutual yielding on the parts of both rock and rock
sculptor. Whether shaping stones or men, a steady hand, a stout heart, and a
patient mindset are all essential elements.
Let’s be real—it’s no exaggeration to say that without a
woman's steady guidance, most men would never learn to fully please their
partner in bed, or for that matter, anywhere else. Yet, how exactly does a
woman go about getting what she wants from her man? After all, when it comes
to romance and sex, most men aren't exactly begging for instruction, let
alone criticism. Never fear. The following guidelines will teach you how to
pleasantly persuade your lover to be his best. Let’s get started by
reviewing a few basic ground rules before we head to Step 1 and learn how to
better get his attention.
Basic
Ground Rules
For starters, it’s important to read the 4-step
guidelines that follow in order. They are designed to be implemented over
the course of 4 weeks, though you can accelerate the program if you prefer.
Just make sure you don't omit any of the steps. The good news is that the
steps for training your lover are equally effective both inside and outside
of the bedroom. These very same strategies can also help you get more of
what you want in many other areas of your personal and your professional
life.
The basic ground rules start with
the obvious:
your man requires your help to fully please you
sexually, and for that matter, emotionally. In short, he needs you to show
him the particular ways that make you happiest. And yet regrettably, this is
anything but obvious for far too many men. Problems are sure to arise when
he doesn’t realize this reality and routinely ignores your requests, and
even then seldom do most men connect the dots. The bottom line is he needs
your help whether he realizes it or not. Without a woman's consistent and
persistent guidance, the truth is that men tend to stay diamonds in the
rough forever. Some men boast about being already ''trained,'' but what they
mean is that they've been able to satisfy other women in the past (or so
they think) and, therefore, they're confident they know what pleases you,
too (or so they also think).
By now you’re probably thinking, so just exactly
how
do I go about getting what I want from my man? After
all, with the delicate male ego—especially when it comes to bedroom
sports—training your man can seem like too formidable task for even the most
assertive and confident of women to accomplish. Have faith. Learning and
practicing the following lessons will help you to get the best and the most
from any lover—long-term or short-term—with ease, grace, and confidence.
Before we can proceed any further,
the most important ground rule is that you must
accept total
responsibility for educating your man to
meet your wants and needs. Remember, he can’t read your mind. It’s
your
job to make sure he understands your desires. Countless female clients have
groaned aloud in protest upon hearing me utter these words, but I assure
you, the longer you resist accepting this truth, the longer it will take you
to attain sexual and emotional satisfaction. After all, you have to
do
something different if you want things to change and improve. The sooner you
accept and understand that it's
your role
to inspire the best lovemaking and romancing from your man, the sooner your
love life will improve. It all begins with this fundamental understanding.
And yes, while it requires consistent and persistent effort on your part,
the benefits you’ll gain from co-creating a happy relationship are always
well worth it. Try it and see for yourself.
Something else you should probably
expect from your efforts that bear fruit:
ironically, once men experience a little success
with the new ideas or approaches you’ve planted in our heads, we tend to
take all the credit for ourselves. My advice to you—go ahead and let us! At
the end of the day, when you're getting plenty of what you want and need, do
you really care whose idea it is? So long as it isn’t harming anybody, it’s
a gentle approach to let people think what pleases them and makes them
happy, especially when it comes to your lover. And the best part is you'll
get a lot more loving by making us your hero and letting us think it was our
own idea all along!
Step 1: Get His Attention
When your man is paying attention to your
needs,
his mind, body, and spirit are all focused on just one thing—You.
And that attention feels very, very good.
Your first step:
getting and keeping his attention. Attention is
that special connection between the two of you that you can feel—and it
feels good. When he's really paying attention, his mind, body and spirit are
all focused on one thing—You.
He may be paying attention to your mind, your body, your emotional desires,
your sexual pleasures, your needs, your worries, your career, your future,
your family, your clothes, your dreams and so on. In this guide, we'll be
focusing primarily on the art of teaching him to pay attention so the two of
you can make that ultimate connection on the sexual pleasure front, though
again, most of what you learn here applies to just about every other aspect
of your life and to relating to others.
It probably goes without saying, resorting to basic
biology is the quickest and easiest way to get and hold his attention for
your sexual wishes, (and lots of other things, too) especially when you’re
relaxing together in bed. However, there are plenty of other times and ways,
depending on your partner. Is he more receptive to new ideas earlier in the
day, or not until after his workout? Or, might he be more responsive to
discussion during dinner, or maybe not until after dinner and dessert? Watch
for his most receptive times and avoid those times when he's apt to be
distracted, tired, or not as open to listening to you. Timing is everything.
A timeless tip for
getting more of what you want:
Give what you want to get.
Keep in mind that you can grab
his attention whether you’re together or apart. After all, keeping thoughts
of you
at the top of his mind is what it’s all about. For example, might you
capture his attention if he found your lace panties in his briefcase or
suitcase, or how about if you packed or emailed a sexy invitation to him?
Imagine how he might react to your offer to join you in a sensual bubble
bath. Remember in the film, Pretty Woman,
when Julia Roberts greets Richard Gere at home with nothing on but his brand
new necktie? Be bold and use your imagination! On a more mundane level, does
your man wash dishes? If so, try gliding up behind him at the sink sometime
and running your hands across his shoulders, down his back, and across his
waistline. End with a big hug from behind. If you’re feeling frisky, you can
slide your hands further down and around and give his private bits a
friendly fondle and wondle or two. Perhaps you'd like to offer him a day or
evening of pleasure—ranging from one-on-one contact sports in the bedroom to
serving as a gracious sports party host one afternoon for your man and his
buds—with no obligation or expectation for him to give back to you? If that
sounds contrary to what you're trying to accomplish, remember that to “give
what you want to get'' and “treat others the way you want to be treated” are
two timeless tips for getting more of whatever it is you want. Think of it
as priming the pump. Your man experiences how good it feels when
your
loving attention is focused on
him
and his
needs, the better for him to appreciate the importance of putting
his
attention on
you
and your
needs. Think of it as helping your man to connect the dots. Make no mistake:
the quality of focusing loving attention upon
our lover is unmatched when it comes to furthering emotional connection,
especially when it is reciprocated in kind. Once your man gets a taste of
it, he’s sure to want more.
Practice getting and holding his
attention for any and all of your desires—both in and out of the bedroom.
How long can you stay in the ''connection zone?” This week, the goal is to
feel that connection as often as you can and whatever the cause, be it a
lingering glance, a weekend away or a day spent together in the park.
Understanding, experiencing, and feeling good about your connection
outside the bedroom is
what builds trust, safety, and willingness to fulfill your sexual desires
inside the bedroom.
For all couples, the bedroom is a vulnerable place. Revealing ourselves to
each other emotionally outside of it can help you to strengthen confidence
and trust inside of it.
Homework:
This week, keep it short and sweet and
often—it's the ''how'' you'll be perfecting. See how long you can hold his
attention
while keeping it fun. For those of you dealing
with your partner’s over-eager sex drive, try flirting more and taking more
time with clothed foreplay. When his engine starts revving too fast, you can
tap the breaks by asking if he wants a drink or a snack, or suggest slowing
down or taking a shower together to help him to downshift a bit. Surprise
him and yourself this week. Experiment with all of the senses to get and
keep his attention—smell, sight, sound, taste, touch, and especially the
mind, the largest sex organ of all.
Your other critical ''assignment''
this week is to ponder what exactly is it you want and desire for a happy
life, especially your sex life.
For many women,
expressing what you really want is very difficult, even to yourself.
Likewise, it's important that you feel deserving enough not to settle until
you succeed. Remember, in life you get what you settle for, so don’t.
Rather, invest in yourself and consider what you really, really, really want
from a lover. Don't stop thinking until you come up with a very thorough
list (think of it as a work in progress so it’s okay to change your mind or
continue to add along the way).
How to
Shape Up
Your Lover
(and Why You Should)
by Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Step 2: Giving Approval
In the previous lesson, you learned
and practiced how to get your man's attention. The goal was to find, feel,
and expand that "connection zone" in your relationship. Getting your partner
to be more aware and attuned to you and your wants and needs is the obvious
first step on the road to better lovemaking and intimacy bliss. Now you’re
ready for Step 2:
giving approval.
Attention, ladies!
Your man craves your approval.
We have been known to climb mountains, cross
oceans,
and risk looking ridiculously foolish to get it and keep it.
This sounds simple enough to do, and
it is, yet it's also the step most often left out. "Oh, he knows that I love
him" or "I'm not going to feed his ego until I get what I need from
him"
are two common rationales that often stop heartfelt acknowledgment in its
tracks. The essence of true acknowledgment is
unconditional
approval. Your lover wants to know that you
approve of who he is as a human being, not just for what he does for you.
This means his core values, his love for you, his dreams, and all the parts
together, as a whole. He has his high points, and also his low points where
he falls short of both his ideals and yours. We know we sometimes fall short
of the mark, even when you don’t tell us, so when we do hit right on the
mark be sure to heap on the praise. Make no mistake—your approval is very
potent stuff to your man. Never be stingy with it.
As it just so happens, the sexual
refinements you want and need from us are much easier to inspire when we
know that, overall, you like and approve of us. When we feel your approval
along
with your guidance, we will eventually better meet your wants and needs. Now
I know some of you are thinking that this just won't be true in your case,
but I assure you it will, as long as you are willing to follow the steps in
these lessons. While you may be skeptical, deep down inside, if your man
truly loves and cares for you he really does want to give you everything you
want, no matter how things may seem to the contrary. Believe me when I say
we just need your approval and guidance to help get us there.
Next:
How to offer approving remarks your man
recognizes and responds well to.
Above all,
be sure
your comments are truly approving.
Be careful not to offer up any remarks or requests that have the tone, "This
isn't enough or good enough." Instead, let the underlying message be,
"I want more."
With the first statement, men hear "I'm not enough or good enough." We hear
that we have failed to please you, that we have missed the mark, leaving us
feeling defeated and more apt to tune out and turn off. However, when we
hear, "I want more," at least know we did something right. At that point,
we’re much more willing to listen to how you want us to make sex and romance
even more pleasing for you. Makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it? Think of it as
offering him a carrot to munch on versus whacking him over the head with it!
Keep
your compliments and approving comments short—
we guys can't take too much per dose.
Now that you have this guide to help you go about
presenting your approving remarks, acknowledgment is easy—so long as you do,
in fact, approve overall of your man.
Homework:
This week, your assignment is to tell your man
something you like about him, be it in or out of bed. For example, let him
know how much it means to you that he spends quality time in unrushed
foreplay with you, or that he attends to your needs in other ways that
please you.
He wants to hear how he makes a difference in your
life, from the littlest detail to the grandest design.
All you need to
do is speak from your heart. You can utter
just one or two “atta-boy” compliments at the right time, an
easy-to-understand wink or smile, or create a grand presentation. And, don’t
forget, when he does something you really approve of, be sure you let him
know how much you like it and he’ll be more likely to repeat it.
Another tip:
Remember to keep your
compliments and approving comments shorter rather than longer. While you
women are deep pools for receiving acknowledgment, we men can't take that
much per dose. We grow uncomfortable and edgy.
Short doses work
best on us. If you see your man fading away
or becoming overwhelmed (pay attention to his attitude or body language),
you’ll know you have exceeded his cup’s ability to receive for the time
being. In that case, simply finish your acknowledgment quickly and end with
a hug, kiss or some form of loving connection and you'll bring him right
back! Practice acknowledging his greatness until you learn his limits, as
well as his favorite compliment topics. Focus on putting this exercise
together with last week's (getting his attention). After all, a compliment
can be a great attention-getter.
How to Shape Up Your Lover
(and Why You Should)
by Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Step 3: How to Ask for What You
Want
Congratulations! You're now halfway through learning how to pleasantly
persuade your lover to meet your innermost desires. I hope so far that
you’ve had fun practicing getting his attention and complimenting him as
discussed in Steps 1 and 2. These are lifelong habits that can be applied
for maintaining and increasing intimacy, fun, and happiness. The next step
now is the actual asking part. The goal of Step 3 is how to make your sexual
and romantic desires known to him in the most attractive fashion, so that
he'll be motivated to change his ways and please you more. I'll let you in
on a little secret:
Attractive to us guys means (a) encouraging
(versus critical) and (b) fun and pleasurable, or the possibility of fun and
pleasure to come.
Men really do want to please their woman,
but we also want to feel in control.
Let's say you want to go out for fun more often with your
man. So, one night while sitting in front of the TV together, you suddenly
blurt out something like, ''I can't remember the last time we went out for a
special night together. Why don't you take me out anymore?'' If you're
lucky, your man will merely sit there quietly without immediately flipping
into emotional shutdown or defensive mode. Suffice it to say, with an
ambushing thud of a conversation-starter like that, it’s a safe bet he won't
be transforming into Mr. Romantic Evening Planner anytime soon! However, if
you were to say something more along the lines of, ''I was just thinking of
all the fun we had that night you took me out dancing a few months ago. We
had such a great time. Why don't we take a little ride later, catch the
sunset, and maybe get a little something to eat on the way home—you pick the
place. What do you think?'' It’s plain to see that this attractive approach
is much more fun, hence more likely to appeal to your man and bring forth
the response you seek.
What really makes this approach work
is that the woman in the above example is asking for what she wants—a night
out—without
telling her man exactly how to do it.
Men really do
want to please their woman, but we also want to feel in control.
Men enjoy producing and take great pride in our
productions. If you decide every single detail, it takes the fun out of it
for us. It also makes us feel bossed around.
Offer up some
basic direction, then let your man use his own imagination to please you.
Give him some room to strut and show his stuff, and you just might discover
a completely new, romantic side to him.
Next:
How to ask attractively for what you
want—without scaring him off or hurting his feelings
If you want to
increase the amount of time, touching, kissing or actual physical lovemaking
you and your partner engage in,
how
you go about it is critical.
Keep in mind, when it comes to getting the most from
your man, it’s never the “what” and always the “how” that matters most.
The best way to ''ask'' for that may be to flirt with your partner during
your night out, do to him what you want done to you (such as more touching
and kissing) or drop some not-so-subtle hints about your plans for when you
get back home.
Always remember, these instructions are intended to help
you stay in the ''connection zone'' in all parts of your relationship, not
just in the bedroom. That's why it's important for you to feel close and
emotionally connected whether its a night out on a date, while sharing a
Saturday afternoon walk in the park, or over dinner surrounded by your
children. When the foundation of your relationship is solid—and you feel
safe, loved, and appreciated—you'll feel confident enough to express
yourself and your innermost desires in the bedroom. You’ll also feel more
fully empowered to ask for what you want to improve your sex life and your
overall emotional connection.
Asking specifically for what you want
sexually is often difficult for women because you instinctively know you’re
treading on thin ice.
Knowing how to ask for what you want
is essential, as is the self-confidence you’ll need to follow through with
it. This is NWL (No Woman’s Land) in the Battle
of the Ages—very, very scary when it comes to tweaking your partner’s
technique. At least initially, many women find it uncomfortable to speak
frankly about their desires using specific sexual language. It’s also
requires finding a delicate balance when expressing your intimate needs
without hurting your man's feelings, and becoming comfortable using specific
sexual language.
My advice is to share fully
with your partner using as much ''I'' language as possible. For example, to
get more of something you like, you could say, ''I like the way that feels,
keep doing it” or ''Mmm, I love what you're doing, don’t stop” or “I’m
having fun with you but I’m not enjoying how this feels, let’s do something
else.” All of these responses send a clear, positive message. If what you
really want during sex is to enjoy the intimacy more (and not rush right to
the finish line), say so—but in a positive way. For example, start by
letting him know you like what he’s doing, then ask if he might slow the
pace down a little, or mix it up a bit, or however you want, and keep on
refining it until he’s doing it
just right.
In addition, you
can speak using I-Statements
instead of You-Statements to address most any
situation by saying, “I feel __________, (name one feeling) when you
__________, (name one behavior) and I want you to __________” (apologize,
slow down, etc.). Use I-Statements any time you want to connect with others,
build intimacy, or let others get to know you better.
For example, let’s say you want to
slow that galloping stallion of yours down a bit. You can use “I” language
to tell him how great he makes you feel when you're kissing and touching, or
to ask him to slow down so you can enjoy his body more, or to whisper that
you want him all the way deep inside you while you both hold perfectly
still. However, don't hint that he's rushing you, acting selfishly, or doing
something wrong.
Always remember, acknowledging his greatness by giving
your approval will get you more of what you want—while criticizing him will
get you nowhere fast. The key is to
emphasize the positive and how you want more.
On the other
hand, if you want him to stop doing something in the bedroom or to start
doing something he's previously told you he doesn't like, you'll be much
better off discussing this
outside of the bedroom
rather than inside the bedroom. Talking about changing his intimate ways
during your most passionate moments can quickly dampen the mood, and hurt
feelings thus ending lovemaking. However, should you ever not like or desire
a particular sexual act or move at that moment, quickly say so, and then
offer enticing alternatives that you can both enjoy. Again, use as much
''I'' language as possible, talk about what
you like, suggesting a
few new moves or changes in the regular routine, all the while focusing on
increasing enjoyment rather than its lack.
How to feel worthy:
feeling good about yourself, your partner, and
deserving to have your desires satisfied is what it’s all about
The importance of feeling good about
yourself—and feeling you’re deserving of having your desires satisfied when
you ask—cannot be overemphasized. If your self-esteem is low, before you
approach your partner with your wish list, try to figure out why it is you
don't feel worthy of sexual and romantic satisfaction. If you can't figure
it out, practice thinking and repeating out loud to yourself the mantra ''I
am unconditionally worthy” for as many weeks, months, or years that it takes
until you believe it. Individual counseling can also help. It’s vital you
believe that your needs deserve to be met, and that you make them known to
your lover. Yet be forewarned:
it’s quite possible your man will initially
grumble or sputter aloud over your requests at times, so when he does, make
every effort to avoid reacting to it. Such bluster on the part of your man
can be devastating if you're not feeling worthy, causing your confidence to
take a real nosedive if you let it, so don’t. Be determined to remain
positive, and you'll see his grumbling and sputtering for what it really
is—just his engine coughing to get started as he’s trying to figure out how
to give you what you’re asking of him. Knowing this, you needn’t now be so
easily deterred by his protests. Think of any initial reluctance on his part
as similar to cranking up a cold engine on a below-freezing winter
morning—after a few reluctant and failed attempts to crank it up it finally
yields and turns over. In the future, should you hear any initial protests
from your man, you can begin to get excited because you’ll now know he's
heard you, and that sputtering is his way of trying to figure out how to get
started in giving you what you’re wanting.
A final word of advice on practicing
how to attractively ask for what you want: Think about him while you think
about you this week. That may sound backwards, but focusing (and satisfying)
his
wants and needs is going to go a long way toward getting you what you want.
While you may be tempted to hold back what you know pleases him until he
satisfies you, I strongly urge you not to play that game. Whether you're
looking for more romance or passion in your relationship, remember, you
always get more bees with the honey of approval than the vinegar of
discouraging words. Be generous to your honey with your honey pot!
Homework:
Keep in mind that training your lover is a
personal, individual adventure. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there’s no
universal trick every woman can use to instantly transform her man into a
better lover. You’ve got to hang in there, and not give up. Just keep using
your imagination and the tips I've offered here. If, however, you start to
feel stuck—as if you're still not getting anywhere despite your best
efforts—you may need to seek professional couple’s counseling help to get at
the underlying issues that are blocking your communication and connection.
How to
Shape Up
Your Lover
(and Why You Should)
by Dr. Michael Ra Bouchard
Step 4: Affirm the Process
Step 4 is about affirming every positive step your
partner takes toward giving you more of what you want and less of what you
don’t. Psychologists
refer to this behavioral shaping technique as positive reinforcement or
operant conditioning, more commonly known as the system of reward and
punishment based upon performance. However, for the purposes of persuading
your lover, we’re only going to be focusing on the reward part. This
requires that you look at his actions through the positive affirming lens of
''what is he doing
right,'' instead of the
negative critical lens that focuses on “what is he doing wrong” or how he
could still do it better, faster, etc. While it sounds easy, it actually
takes practice to be able to
acknowledge each and every small incremental change
he makes in the desired direction while still coaxing him toward what it is
you ultimately want. Use the skills you've learned in the previous three
steps to get that positive message across to him.
Look as
carefully and deeply as you can to affirm any and all his actions that
appear to be heading in the right direction.
Sometimes the only thing you may be able to say is, ''I'm pleased you're
making an effort, I really appreciate it.'' That's just fine because it’s
expressing both encouragement and gratitude. Encouragement and gratitude can
work miracles, so take every chance you get to express them liberally. By
acknowledging any and all positive movement on the part of your man you best
ensure more of it.
Warning:
Never add ''but'' to the end of your compliment!
If you feel you must add a corrective note, start a new sentence to do so,
and try to start it by using words like ''and'' instead of the overall
negating and counterproductive 'but.'' Better still, phrasing what you want
in a positive manner allows you to add specific requests to shape things
even more to your satisfaction by emphasizing whatever it is you want.
Always assume three things in every training conversation—
that your partner
is your friend,
that his intentions are good,
and that, if you look hard enough, you find can find
at least one
desirable behavior of his to affirm right now.
To offer a simple yet illustrative
example, let's say you want your man to buy you flowers. So far, he's not
been into the flower-giving thing. You prime the pump by finding an occasion
to give him one
long-stemmed rose or a mini-bouquet. Shortly after, while you still have his
attention, you find a way to say something like, ''I just love getting
flowers'' (you might even mention your favorite variety). Listen and watch
for any clues that he liked receiving your gift. If he's obviously enjoying
the flowers, let him know how happy it makes you that he's pleased. You can
even add that you were nervous about giving them to him. That way, if he,
perhaps, has been nervous (or shy or embarrassed) about giving flowers to
you that will help him get over any hesitance.
Now, when he
does send or give you flowers and if they're not quite what you hoped for,
refrain from saying in any way that his gift is not enough. Instead, receive
them with delight and gratitude. At another time, you can remind him of your
favorite flower or the type of bouquet you long to receive from him. If you
want to get playfully effective, you can even say something like, ''I dream
one day of lying naked with you on a bed of red rose petals.'' This will
surely get his mind (and other body parts) racing and it’s a safe bet you'll
be the recipient of red roses in the near future. The idea is that each time
he brings you flowers, you love them
and
him, and continue to drop hints and tips to shape and further refine his
approach. Then again, when you make every effort to enjoy his tastes in
flowers for what they are as opposed to what you want them to be, you may
just find you no longer feel the need for him to bring you any particular
kind of flowers after all. Simply translate this same flower approach to
what you want from him in the bedroom, and you’ll set him up to sexually and
emotionally satisfy you beyond each of your wildest expectations!
What to Do When Your Guy Just Isn’t “Getting” It
Remember, there's a good reason why patience is called a virtue—
The essential ingredient for training success is patience, lots of it,
specifically accepting the pace with grace.
Without patience, persistence, and flexibility, you
simply cannot have a happy life, let alone a happy relationship. Believe me,
your man is fully capable of changing his romantic ways and adapting his
lovemaking skills to satisfy you fully—that is, if he really wants to of his
own accord—once he actually understands exactly what it is you're wanting
and asking of him. This last part may take a while, so be patient and don’t
give up. Remember, it’s the responsibility of the sender to ensure that the
receiver fully and accurately understands your message. Furthermore, your
impatience will only serve to frustrate and bring you both down.
The time and attention you put into training your lover
will pay big
dividends for each of you, not just in the bedroom
but also in
every
aspect of your lives together.
Should it become apparent that one or more of your
requests are a relationship ''deal breaker'' (you simply must be fulfilled
in this particular way in order to be happy in your relationship), don't be
afraid to convey to him the seriousness of your request—be it for more
romance, specific sexual needs, increased attention, etc. Remember, be sure
to use ''I'' messages (from Step 2) when explaining how you feel and what
you need and want. If you find a deal breaker and can't seem to work it out,
before you throw in the towel, speak to a professional counselor. Possibly
counseling can help you work through it together and also help you assess
the strength and health of your relationship and give you guidance on how to
improve it, or encouragement to leave it. Ultimately, should your
relationship still not shape up to your satisfaction despite your best
ongoing efforts and intentions, then you’ll know it’s time for you to pull
up anchor and sail off on your own.
Study and practice these lessons
and, over time and through experience, you will gain the confidence and
ability to ask for what you want—and get it!—from your man.
Think of it as
setting each of you up for the win:
You get what you want from him, and he gets to
feel like your hero for producing it for you.
The time and attention you put into training your lover will pay big
dividends for each of you, not just in the bedroom but also in
every
other aspect of your lives together as well. Finally, should your man turn
out to be just plain uncooperative and hard-headed, despite your best
efforts to pleasantly cajole and encourage him as you’ve learned how to do
in this love lesson, take heed. You’ll want to think long and hard about
what’s keeping you in such an unfulfilling relationship.
Now you know what you have to do as an empowered woman.
It's your role to educate and pleasantly persuade your man to pay attention
to your guidance so that he can best please you; and as a smart rat who
likes his cheese, it’s your man’s role to be trainable. The good news is
that most men are about as trainable as they make up their mind to be. Once
a man begins to see the value of taking his cues from you he’ll undoubtedly
come to appreciate and welcome your help, especially when he realizes how
much it furthers your fun and happiness together as a couple. When it’s done
right, you both gain from this arrangement and better get your needs met
through the relationship. It’s all very basic. By making the effort to go
about shaping your man in attractive and enjoyable ways, he’s more likely to
follow your lead, creating a double-happiness win that increases your
connection and furthers your well-being as a couple. When you come right
down to it, isn’t that what the joining of two hearts really is all about?
Have fun,
Dr. Michael
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Aloha
Sexual Health & Happiness
PO Box 9,
Pahoa, HI 96778
DrMichael@lovekindly.com
phone:
808.965.8800
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