To help everyone in developing and honoring a healthy self-acceptance of who they genuinely are—no matter their age, gender, sexual orientation, creed, religion, race, national origin, ancestry and disability, marital or familial status—while extending the same grace and decency to everybody else, no matter theirs.
Our goal is to have a beneficial influence on clients by providing nonjudgmental positive regard while presenting accurate information, effective relating skills guidance, and supportive encouragement leading to informed, healthful choices and behaviors.
We treat every client with dignity and respect by promoting lasting psychological empowerment in a manner congruent to each person's self-determined goals, values and beliefs.
To support every person in thoroughly exercising their fundamental, natural rights
to personal autonomy, intimate freedom, and privacy
in the pursuit of psychologically sound and healthy sexual self-fulfillment.
From numerous studies conducted over the past century sexologists have discovered that people engage in affection, physical intimacy, and sex for a variety of reasons including love, companionship, bonding, emotional connection, procreation, pleasure, conformity, excitement, boredom, validation, power, stress reduction, and many other motivations.
Sexuality is not just something we do as people, but is rather a core aspect of who we are as individuals. It’s subtle—and at times not so subtle—“primary directive” is deftly woven throughout our very being.
The state of human sexuality, with its pervasive and profound influence upon our lives, it is an inescapable fact of life. To deny it is to deny ourselves of its benefits, rewards, and pleasures, while depriving ourselves from experiencing a deeply rich and vitally important part of what it means to be fully human and truly happy.
All living entities are genetically programmed to sexually engage for the survival of the species, a fact which impacts heavily upon life choices and everyday decisions. To disown our sexuality is to disown our innate wholeness, which in turn, generally diminishes a person's overall life happiness and satisfaction.
Hence, concern with or interest in sexual activity is not just perfectly natural, it is in actual fact a healthy sign of what it means to possess "sexual potency." Sex is medicine for humanity.
The facts speak for themselves: Our sexuality is an integral aspect of our human character that colors and contributes to our overall health and happiness, both in and out of the bedroom.
Dr. Michael's goal is to provide counseling that assists clients in claiming and celebrating their sexuality in a safe, nonjudgmental, sex-positive manner which respects personal dignity and is congruent to that individual's own desires, values, and beliefs.
As we say here in the Hawaiian Islands—mahalo, thank you—for giving yourself this time to explore our site in your own journey of intimate self-discovery.
Our hope is to encourage you to love one another kindly, and to give yourself permission to fully experience and indeed richly celebrate your sexual self—while concurrently developing your emotional capacity to love and be loved in return—all in ever-expanding magnitude!
Please call for your free consultation to find out how we can help you.
Aloha and a hui hou!
Sexual Rights are Human Rights
We now present the “Sexual Bill of Rights” below, containing the 10 Basic Sexual Rights as stated by the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality in San Francisco, California (from which Dr. Bouchard received his Ph.D. in 1994).
It includes an additional three Basic Sexual Rights as periodically updated and presented by Dr. Bouchard over the last several decades—namely, Basic Sexual Rights #'s 11, 12 & 13—thereby comprising the "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" which follow below.
We begin with Dr. Bouchard's recently updated 2024 edition (originally published in 1994) of his "Consensual Sex Code of Conduct" encouraging everyone to commit ONLY to engaging in intentional, fulfilling and honorable—by any other name, consensual—sexual relations with one another.
For the sake of clarity, let us start by defining and differentiating moral consensual sex from immoral non-consensual sex; the former composing the essence of free will choice upon which wholesome and mutually empowering sexual expression takes root and thrives, and the latter composing anything which deprives or otherwise diminishes the mutual exercise of free will choice.
Author's Note:
Given the renewed media attention on sexual assault,
I have updated and reposted these guidelines to shed light on the issue and raise awareness on this ongoing problem.
MRB 2024
Dr. Bouchard's
"Consensual Sex Code of Conduct"
Cheatsheet
Originally published in 1994; Updated edition (below) published in 2024
Please Be Advised
As a clinical sexologist, sex therapist, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades,
Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—
meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.
Consent is Mandatory, NOT Optional
Regarding ACTS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT, Dr. Bouchard's steadfast position
on the unassailable Right of Sexual Consent
is unambiguous and unyielding, as follows:
Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse
Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including, but not limited to: abuse, assault, bestiality, constraint, coercion, exploitation, fraud, harassment, human trafficking, incest, intimidation, pedophilia, rape, satanic ritual abuse (SRA), sextortion, and violence, along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted, behaviors of a sexual nature—whether perpetrated upon a child or an adult, are all criminal acts and categorically abhorrent.
This prohibition extends to all sexual misconduct, sexual assault, and sexual abuse—umbrella terms that encompass various non-consensual infractions and criminal sexual offenses.
These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration, the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent, condom stealthing (removal of condom after agreement to use one), spousal or partner rape, unwanted touching, groping or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing, forced kissing or physical coercion, voyeurism/secret peeping, exhibitionism, indecent exposure, text-based solicitation, public masturbation, stalking or unauthorized tracking, and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.
All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.
Case in Point:
Digital misconduct is a mushrooming reality, becoming especially critical when examining how modern statutes handle digital harassment. A prime example is the intersection of cyberflashing and electronic obscenity laws—an area everyone needs to understand.
Many U.S. state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.
Because ignorance of the law constitutes no defense, it is a good idea to check your local and state regulations to stay compliant and protect yourself from unintended liabilities and consequences.
What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing and Electronic Obscenity Laws
Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent to public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent—via text, email, social media, dating apps, or proximity-sharing features like AirDrop.
This behavior goes far beyond rudeness; it is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates both social norms and the law. This prohibition extends without exception to any and all non-consensual behaviors.
Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment, distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery, unauthorized access to private digital media, and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including sextortion and revenge porn. Law enforcement also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. All of these violations are collectively known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA).
Secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden camera or electronic recording device without consent, also known as unauthorized "sneak" recording, is not only a crime, but also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will.
Depending on your jurisdiction, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific cyberflashing or unlawful electronic transmission laws.
A word to the wise: Do not engage in any of these prohibited behaviors and you will spare yourself a world of trouble.
Love One Another Kindly—and Lawfully
Just a reminder to ensure everyone is on the same page:
"Ignorance of the law excuses not."
Informed sexual consent leading to physical intimacy between adults must be affirmative, conscious, and voluntarily given by both parties before engaging in mutually approved sexual activity. Ideally, sexual consent is attained through a safe, open, and ongoing discussion leading to greater understanding of and respect for each other's boundaries.
Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.
It is vital that everyone understands that consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any time—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.
Be Advised:
Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact
You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity
that has completely concluded.
Simply put, while consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience,
it cannot be taken back after the fact.
So everyone is clear, you can withdraw consent at any point during sex,
but legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.
Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused
Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;
Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.
Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential: Psychological and emotional readiness to have sex is not a given; the fact that you want to have sex with someone does not mean you are ready or that it is even a good idea.
It is entirely normal to experience feelings of shame, guilt, or regret after giving sexual consent; these complex emotional reactions often surface once you have had time to reflect on the experience.
Keep in mind that just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't sometimes feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments. Realizing a choice didn't serve you after the fact is simply part of navigating relationships, setting personal boundaries, and growing through uncertainty. In the end, we live and we learn.
Regret is a sense of self-judgment and "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. A choice we come to later regret is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.
Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied; it is an act of violence inflicted by another.
The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent
Simply put: If at any time during a sexual encounter you feel uncomfortable or change your mind—for any reason at all—you retain the right to tell your partner to stop. Consent is an ongoing choice, and you always maintain complete autonomy of your body.
When sexual consent is withdrawn it must be respected immediately by completely halting the activity in every respect. Continuing to engage in the sexual behavior(s) once a person changes their mind and withdraws sexual consent is considered NON-CONSENSUAL and a violation of their free will sovereignty.
It is also vital to understand that granting consent to one sexual activity does not imply granting consent to other sexual activities. Sexual boundaries must therefore be clearly communicated and strictly respected in an ongoing dialogue as necessary to ensure consent is mutually given and received—ideally, enthusiastically so by both parties.
What is a “Sexual Code of Conduct”?
A sexual code of conduct is not a rigid set of rules imposed by someone else; it is a personal playbook based on your own values. Giving ongoing thought to and openly discussing your core values with others can help you decide in advance what you are and what you are not willing to accept.
Here is what practicing a personal code looks like in the real world:
- Defining your pace: Deciding what physical boundaries feel comfortable for you right now, independent of what a partner wants or what seems "normal" on social media.
- The "Green Light" rule: Choosing to only move forward when there is enthusiastic, mutual consent, and stopping immediately if a partner seems hesitant, quiet, or unsure.
- Sober consent: Agreeing with yourself (and your partner) that major sexual decisions or new physical steps will only happen when everyone is sober and thinking clearly.
- Digital boundaries: Setting clear rules about what you will and won't share online—such as refusing to send explicit photos if it makes you uncomfortable, and never sharing a partner's private texts or photos with others.
- Honest communication: Speaking up immediately if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or simply doesn't feel right, rather than going along with it just to please someone else.
- Sexual health accountability: Making a firm rule to use protection and get regular STD screenings, viewing it as a non-negotiable step to protect both yourself and your partner.
Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect
In the simplest terms, sexual self-respect is an active practice that bridges internal integrity with external behavior to create healthy, resilient intimacy.
In today's age of starless narcissism and unmoored morality, let the virtuous constellation of authentic self-acceptance, emotional mutuality, morally grounded principles, basic human decency, good intent, and the personification of honor—both in and out of the bedroom—be your guiding stars.
Drawing on these benevolent guiding principles and a psycho-sexual sextant of self-respect is one of the most effective ways to navigate intimacy and desire through the shifting tides of attraction, modern dating, human relationships, sexuality, and personal values.
Chart your course by aligning your inner integrity with your external relational conduct to generate a balanced mindset rooted in established ethical and psychological frameworks of self-respect. True self-respect comes when your inner values match your outer behavior.
Ultimately, sexual self-respect functions as a dynamic, transformative springboard that helps individuals align their core values with how they treat others in relationships.
Follow them, and yours will be a well and honorably lived life.
To betray them is to invite chaos. The hard truth is that without these essential guiding lights to provide direction and purpose, yours will be a life built on shifting sands, destined to erode under the weight of your own compromises and hollow pursuit of fleeting pleasures.
Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. Authentic connection and ethical treatment of others stem directly from a healthy, dynamic sense of your own worth and boundaries. This alignment requires you to act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself.
Principles and Virtues: What Drives Your Choices?
Principles and virtues are both important guiding forces in a person's life, yet they differ in their focus and application. Principles are fundamental beliefs or values that shape a person's behavior and decision-making process. They serve as a moral compass and help individuals stay true to their beliefs and values.
On the other hand, virtues are qualities or traits that are considered morally good and desirable, such as honesty, integrity, and compassion. While principles provide a foundation for ethical behavior, virtues are the qualities that individuals strive to embody in their actions and interactions with others. In essence, principles guide one's beliefs and values, while virtues shape one's character and behavior.
Simply stated:
Principles are fundamental rules or beliefs that guide you.
Virtues are the traits that help you live according to those rules.
Principles set the standards by which you live, while virtues are the qualities you embody to meet those standards. Principles guide decision-making; virtues shape character and behavior. Together, they act as a moral compass for a person’s beliefs, actions, and decisions.
In short, principles provide the foundation for moral decision-making, and virtues ensure that those decisions are reflected in consistent, admirable behavior. Together, they bridge the gap between knowing what is right and actually doing it. Without principles, virtues lack a clear direction; without virtues, principles remain nothing more than empty theories.
True Intimacy Requires Wholeness, Not Just Sex
Creating a healthy, fulfilling relationship ultimately begins with you—by anchoring yourself in self-acceptance and basic human decency, you build the internal strength needed to recognize and choose partners who treat you with the honor you deserve, both in and out of the bedroom.
Likewise, acknowledging that our bodies, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. In the end, honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure, ideally leading to intimacy grounded in reciprocal respect, trust, and mutual emotional attunement.
Stop waiting for the perfect relationship and start building it. Healthy relationships do not just happen by accident. Genuine intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing the inner self with outer behavior. A person must blend their internal integrity—their core moral values and personal boundaries—with their external relational conduct, which is how they actually treat and interact with their partners. This ability develops from self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent application until it becomes a habit.
In the final analysis, sexual self-respect serves as an active guide that helps you navigate the complex choices, desires, and challenges of intimate relationships while providing the essential boundaries needed to prevent your love life from going supernova.
To establish these boundaries, you must first learn to honor your own needs alongside your partner's. At its core, mutual respect is rooted in clear understanding and practicing sexual consent.
Empower Yourself:
When in Doubt, Check it Out
Exercise critical thinking to ask questions and determine whether you are both on the same page. Posing short and straightforward questions to elicit sexual consent, such as "Do you want to make out?" or "Are you okay with me doing this?" or "How far do you feel comfortable going tonight?" are effective and about as unobtrusive as you can get without totally ruining the moment. Be sure to make eye-contact and pay attention to their body language when you ask. Should they seem hesitant, or otherwise say "no," DO NOT PROCEED.
Sexual Consent Must be Reciprocal
Any and all sexual acts that occur without mutual agreement—or on account of pressure or coercion to influence or compel someone to act against their own volition or better judgment by doing something they would not otherwise do (for example, engaging in unsafe sex) by means of force, threat, intimidation (actual or implied) or any other unethical means—are considered NON-CONSENSUAL.
Moreover, sexual consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, asleep or unconscious.
Consent Requires Agency
In essence, "agency" means that a person cannot truly give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make their own choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation or violence. Agency refers to a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.
Agency is not just the ability to say "yes"; it is the absolute freedom to say "no" without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.
If someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or lacks necessary information—such as the intentional hiding of a sexually transmitted disease—they lack agency. This means any "consent" they give is legally and ethically invalid; sex without consent is always rape.
Rape is an ugly word for an even uglier act. If you don’t give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone without their consent, it is rape—and just to be clear, that includes having sex with someone who has passed out.
Simply put—
No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.
Likewise—
You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.
Sexual consent requires more than just the absence of a "no";
Legal sexual consent demands an active, affirmative "yes" through clear words or actions.
WITHOUT FREELY GIVEN CONSENSUAL AGREEMENT, any and all forms of unwanted and forced upon sexual contact against the will of another person are actionably unlawful, morally loathsome and criminally felonious.
When Consent is Uncertain, Hold Off—
Until You Ask and Find Out
Sexual consent MUST be actively sought and freely given, and
CANNOT be assumed from silence, passivity, or lack of resistance.
Exercise respect and basic common sense: NEVER assume sexual consent.
In plain-speak:
When in Doubt, Check it Out—
NON-CONSENT means STOP!!
The moral and legal crux of NON-CONSENTING SEX isn't difficult to grasp—
Sex without consent is always rape.
Copyright © 1994 Michael Ra Bouchard, Ph.D. www.LoveKindly.com All Rights Reserved
* * *
Having received numerous requests for a summary of "Dr. Bouchard’s Consensual Sex Code of Conduct,"
the following Study Guide is now provided below:
“Dr. Bouchard's Consensual Sex Code of Conduct”
Study Guide
Key Takeaways for Your Advisement
Core Principles
Non-Judgmental on Consent: As a clinical sexologist, sex therapist, and sex offender treatment specialist for over three decades, Dr. Bouchard does NOT judge, criticize, or moralize about CONSENSUAL sexual behavior—meaning activities actively agreed to by all parties.
Zero Tolerance for Misconduct: Any form of sexual misconduct—including assault, coercion, exploitation, and harassment—is categorically abhorrent, unlawful, and a violation of personal sovereignty.
The Golden Rule: No one has the right to touch you without your permission, and you do not have the right to touch anyone else without theirs.
What Defines Valid Consent
Active and Affirmative: Consent requires a clear, conscious, and voluntary "yes" through explicit words or actions.
Never Assumed: Silence, passivity, or a lack of resistance do not equal consent. When in doubt, you must stop and ask.
Open Communication: Ideally, consent is reached through safe, ongoing discussions about boundaries.
Capacity is Required: Individuals who are underage, mentally disabled, asleep, unconscious, or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol cannot give consent.
Consent Requires Agency
- Agency means a person cannot give meaningful consent unless they have the power, freedom, and capacity to make a choice free from pressure, manipulation, coercion, misinformation, or violence.
- Agency is a person's ability to act independently and make autonomous decisions that respect, rather than ignore, their own boundaries.
- Agency is not just the ability to say yes; it is the absolute freedom to say no without facing retaliation, punishment, or negative consequences.
- Agency is absent if someone is forced, underage, unconscious, incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or misinformed (such as the intentional hiding of an STD).
- Any consent given without agency is legally and ethically invalid. Sex without consent is always rape.
- If you do not give consent and sex is forced on you, or if you force sex upon someone else without consent, it is rape. This clearly includes having sex with someone who has passed out.
Simply put—
No one has the right to put their hands on you without your permission.
Likewise—
You do not have the right to put your hands on anyone without their permission.
What Defines Criminal Sexual Misconduct, Sexual Assault & Sexual Abuse
Any and all forms of SEXUAL MISCONDUCT—including, but not limited to: abuse, assault, bestiality, constraint, coercion, exploitation, fraud, harassment, human trafficking, incest, intimidation, pedophilia, rape, satanic ritual abuse (SRA), sextortion, and violence, along with any and all NON-CONSENSUAL [involuntary] behaviors or attempted, behaviors of a sexual nature—whether perpetrated upon a child or an adult, are all criminal acts and categorically abhorrent.
This prohibition extends to all forms of sexual misconduct, sexual assault, and sexual abuse—umbrella terms that encompass various non-consensual infractions and criminal sexual offenses.
These acts include, but are not limited to, the following non-consensual conduct: any form of sexual penetration, the use of date rape drugs to bypass consent, condom stealthing (removal of condom after agreement to use one), spousal or partner rape, unwanted touching, groping or fondling an individual's private body parts (breasts, buttocks, groin) over or under clothing, forced kissing or physical coercion, voyeurism/secret peeping, exhibitionism, indecent exposure, text-based solicitation, public masturbation, stalking or unauthorized tracking, and sexual assault perpetrated against older adults or individuals with physical or cognitive disabilities.
All non-consensual behavior is strictly prohibited for everyone, without exception.
Case in Point:
Digital misconduct is a mushrooming reality, becoming especially critical when examining how modern statutes handle digital harassment. A prime example is the intersection of cyberflashing and electronic obscenity laws—an area everyone needs to understand.
Many state codes make it illegal to willfully send "obscene, lewd, or lascivious proposals or messages" via phone, email, text, or internet.
Because ignorance of the law constitutes no defense, it is a good idea to check your local and state regulations to stay compliant and protect yourself from unintended liabilities and consequences.
What Everyone Needs to Understand about Cyberflashing & Electronic Obscenity Laws
Cyberflashing is the modern-day digital equivalent of public indecency. It occurs when someone sends or shows explicit, genital, or pornographic images and videos to another person without their consent. This typically happens via:
- Direct messaging: Text messages, emails, and social media.
- Dating platforms: Dating apps and matchmaking sites.
- Proximity features: Local file-sharing tools like AirDrop.
Concise Legal and Social Concepts
- Electronic sexual abuse is both a social taboo and a criminal offense. This behavior goes far beyond mere rudeness. It is widely condemned as a digital form of sexual harassment, indecent exposure, and sexual violence that violates social norms and the law.
- Violations of electronic and cyber obscenity and digital media laws include, but are not limited to: cyberstalking and digital harassment, distribution of private, non-consensual intimate imagery, unauthorized access to private digital media, and the unauthorized filming, photographing, posting, sharing, or streaming of a sexual act without permission, including sextortion and revenge porn. Law enforcement also prohibits the sending of unsolicited, sexually explicit photos. All of these violations are collectively known as image-based sexual abuse (IBSA).
- Unauthorized sneak recording involves secretly recording sexual encounters with a hidden device without consent. This is a crime. It is also unequivocally incompatible with the values of sexual self-determination, personal sovereignty, and individual free will.
- Cyberflashing penalties vary by jurisdiction. Depending on where you are, these covert, illicit acts may be prosecuted as a crime, a public-decency violation, or a harassment offense under specific electronic transmission laws.
Main Takeaway—
Smart rats exercise abundant caution where electronics and sexuality intersect,
steering clear of all these forbidden behaviors.
The Ongoing Nature of Consent
Reversible at Any Time: Consent is not a one-time event and can be withdrawn (reversed) by either party at any moment—even during the act—though NOT retroactively.
Consent CANNOT Be Taken Back After the Fact
Be Advised:
- You cannot legally or definitionally "retroactively withdraw consent" for sexual activity that has completely concluded.
- While consent must be ongoing throughout the entire experience, it cannot be taken back after the fact.
- You can withdraw consent at any point during sex, but you cannot retroactively change your mind once it is over.
Regret and Rape are Entirely Separate Matters and Must Never be Confused
Regret is an emotional afterthought wishing you made a different choice;
Rape is a traumatic violation where no choice was allowed.
Psychological and Emotional Readiness to Have Sex is Essential
- Psychological and emotional readiness to have sex is not a given. Wanting to have sex does not mean you are ready or that it is a good idea.
- It is entirely normal to feel shame, guilt, or regret after giving consent. These complex emotions often surface upon reflection.
- Just because a choice was consensual does not mean you won't feel bad about it afterward. Be kind to yourself in these moments.
- Realizing a choice didn't serve you is part of navigating relationships, setting boundaries, and growing through uncertainty. We live and we learn.
- Regret is self-judgment, "the quiet agony" of wishing we had acted differently. It is an emotional counter-reaction to a choice we once willingly made.
- Rape, in contrast, is a crime committed when consent is denied. It is an act of violence inflicted by another.
The Fundamental Difference Between Regret and Rape is Consent
Absolute Autonomy: If a partner feels uncomfortable or changes their mind for any reason, they have the right to demand that the activity stop.
Immediate Halt Required: Once consent is withdrawn, all sexual activity must stop immediately. Continuing past this point is considered a non-consensual violation.
What is a “Sexual Code of Conduct”?
A sexual code of conduct is not a rigid set of rules imposed by someone else; it is a personal playbook based on your own values. Giving ongoing thought to and openly discussing your core values with others can help you decide in advance what you are and what you are not willing to accept.
Here is what practicing a personal code looks like in the real world:
- Defining your pace: Deciding what physical boundaries feel comfortable for you right now, independent of what a partner wants or what seems "normal" on social media.
- The "Green Light" rule: Choosing to only move forward when there is enthusiastic, mutual consent, and stopping immediately if a partner seems hesitant, quiet, or unsure.
- Sober consent: Agreeing with yourself (and your partner) that major sexual decisions or new physical steps will only happen when everyone is sober and thinking clearly.
- Digital boundaries: Setting clear rules about what you will and won't share online—such as refusing to send explicit photos if it makes you uncomfortable, and never sharing a partner's private texts or photos with others.
- Honest communication: Speaking up immediately if something hurts, feels uncomfortable, or simply doesn't feel right, rather than going along with it just to please someone else.
- Sexual health accountability: Making a firm rule to use protection and get regular STD screenings, viewing it as a non-negotiable step to protect both yourself and your partner.
Sexual Respect for All Through Sexual Self-Respect
In the simplest terms, sexual self-respect is an active practice that bridges internal integrity with external behavior to create healthy, resilient intimacy.
In today's age of starless narcissism and unmoored morality, let the virtuous constellation of authentic self-acceptance, emotional mutuality, morally grounded principles, basic human decency, good intent, and the personification of honor—both in and out of the bedroom—be your guiding stars.
Drawing on these benevolent guiding principles and a psycho-sexual sextant of self-respect is one of the most effective ways to navigate intimacy and desire through the shifting tides of attraction, modern dating, human relationships, sexuality, and personal values.
Chart your course by aligning your inner integrity with your external relational conduct to generate a balanced mindset rooted in established ethical and psychological frameworks of self-respect. True self-respect comes when your inner values match your outer behavior.
Ultimately, sexual self-respect functions as a dynamic, transformative springboard that helps individuals align their core values with how they treat others in relationships.
Follow them, and yours will be a well and honorably lived life.
To betray them is to invite chaos. The hard truth is that without these essential guiding lights to provide direction and purpose, yours will be a life built on shifting sands, destined to erode under the weight of your own compromises and hollow pursuit of fleeting pleasures. Sexual self-respect for others starts with sexual self-respect.
Sexual respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. Sexual self-respect for others starts with sexual self-respect. Authentic connection and ethical treatment of others stem directly from a healthy, dynamic sense of your own worth and boundaries. This alignment requires you to act from personal integrity by honoring and respecting your own guiding principles, moral compass, and sexual boundaries, as well as those of others. Think of it as taking care of yourself.
Principles and Virtues: What Drives Your Choices?
- Principles Defined: Fundamental rules, beliefs, or values that serve as a moral compass to guide decision-making.
- Virtues Defined: Morally good traits and qualities—like honesty and compassion—that shape character and behavior.
- The Relationship: Principles set the ethical standards, while virtues are the qualities embodied to actually meet those standards.
- The Synergy: Principles provide the necessary direction, while virtues bridge the gap between knowing what is right and consistently doing it.
True Intimacy Requires Wholeness, Not Just Sex
- Foundation of Relationships: Building a healthy connection starts with self-acceptance, human decency, and recognizing your own worth.
- Sexual Self-Respect: Acknowledging that your body, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter acts as an active guide for navigating intimacy safely.
- Dual Harmony: Genuine intimacy balances internal integrity (core values and boundaries) with external conduct (how you actually treat your partner).
- Cultivating Habits: Relational health requires self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent practice until it becomes natural.
- Mutual Respect: Strong boundaries are rooted in a clear understanding of your own needs and the active practice of mutual sexual consent.
Stop Waiting for the Perfect Relationship—Start Building It
Acknowledging that our bodies, desires, boundaries, and pleasure matter shapes how we view, value, honor, and respect ourselves as sexual beings, just as it guides our sexual respect for others. In the end, honor requires us to uphold and respect our own sexual code of conduct, as well as that of others, especially under pressure, ideally leading to intimacy grounded in reciprocal respect, trust, and mutual emotional attunement.
Healthy relationships do not just happen by accident. Genuine intimacy requires a dual harmony, balancing the inner self with outer behavior. A person must blend their internal integrity—their core moral values and personal boundaries—with their external relational conduct, which is how they actually treat and interact with their partners. This ability develops from self-awareness, reflection, self-discipline, and consistent application until it becomes a habit.
In the final analysis, sexual self-respect serves as an active guide that helps you navigate the complex choices, desires, and challenges of intimate relationships while providing the essential boundaries needed to prevent your love life from going supernova.
To establish these boundaries, you must first learn to honor your own needs alongside your partner's. At its core, mutual respect is rooted in clear understanding and practicing sexual consent.
The Bottom Line
Sex without consent is always rape.
* * *
Sexual Bill of Rights
Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights
1. The freedom of any sexual thought, fantasy or desire.
2. The right to sexual entertainment, freely available in the market place, including sexually explicit materials dealing with the full range of sexual behavior.
3. The right not to be exposed to sexual material or behavior.
4. The right to sexual self-determination.
5. The right to seek out and engage in consensual sexual activity.
6. The right to engage in sexual acts or activities of any kind whatsoever, providing they do not involve nonconsensual acts, violence, constraint, coercion, fraud, or children under the age of 18.
7. The right to be free of persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior.
8. The recognition by society that every person, partnered or un-partnered, has the right to the pursuit of a satisfying consensual socio-sexual life free from political, legal or religious interference and that there need to be mechanisms in society where the opportunities of socio-sexual activities are available to the following: disabled persons; chronically ill persons; those incarcerated in prisons, hospitals or institutions; those disadvantaged because of age, lack of physical attractiveness, or lack of social skills; the poor and the lonely.
9. The basic right of all persons who are sexually dysfunctional to have available nonjudgmental sexual health care.
10. The right to control conception.
11. The right to the pursuit of sexual pleasure.
12. The basic right to seek a comprehensive sexuality education, including access to accurate and informed sexual information.
13. The right to grant, withhold, or withdraw consent at any point during a sexual encounter; however, legal consent cannot be retroactively revoked after the encounter has completely concluded.
Sexual Rights are Universal Human Rights
I encourage everyone to honor and uphold the principles of the "Thirteen Basic Sexual Rights" in all the wonderful ways you consensually express your sexuality, as well as to refrain from moralizing, criticizing or judging yourself or others for so doing. After all, to each their own; different strokes for different folks.
As there is no specific approach that fits every single person, strive to live and let live without judgment, control or interference and you will move through life with grace. All things considered, everyone is entitled to their own specific choices and viewpoints. To adapt a fitting truth—with apologies to the Bard:
This above all:
To thine own authentic, sovereign sexual self be true;
and to the sovereign sexual selves of others, hold true alike.
Simply put:
Think of it as practicing self-love; the greater our capacity for self-love, the greater our capacity for loving others. It really is that basic. And it starts by being honest with ourselves by accepting, and indeed celebrating, who we are as healthy and vibrant sexual beings.
Living in accordance with one's true, highest nature is essential.
It begins by living authentically with increased self-awareness, and expands exponentially by acting in alignment with one's core values, beliefs and goals.
What's more, it is vital to remember that sexual abuse, violence, and all other sexually non-consensual actions are always in direct opposition to the values of sexual self-determination and are therefore unacceptable under any and every circumstance.
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Dr. Bouchard’s Qualifications
& Professional Accomplishments
Qualifications:
Dr. Bouchard enjoys a reputation for being a nonjudgmental, talented, seasoned and generous of spirit sex therapist and relationship counselor.
In addition to being an accomplished board-certified Doctor of Human Sexuality, Clinical Sexologist, and renowned relationship expert in the fields of sex therapy and couples counseling, he is also a board-certified erotologist, sex researcher, graduate school professor of counseling psychology and human sexuality, sex offender treatment specialist, sexual health educator, former ”Sexual Pleasure Pro” online advice columnist for the pioneer women's website www. iVillage.com from 1998 - 2003, radio talk-show host and published author. He is an early adapter of telephone counseling and online guidance, since 1981 and 1994, respectively.
Specializing as a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clinician, Dr. Bouchard utilizes only the most effective and proven approaches in cognitive behavior counseling and psychological empowerment.
From his Hawai'i-based global counseling practice he devotes his major time to providing discreet and confidential treatment to clients nationally and internationally, face-to-face in his Hawai'i office and via telephone distance counseling WORLDWIDE.
Areas of Specialty & Career Accomplishments:
Pioneer Distance Counselor / Doctor of Human Sexuality & Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist / Professor of Human Sexuality / Professor of Clinical Psychology & Human Services / Sex Therapist & Psychosexual Counselor / Marriage & Relationship Counselor / Pioneer HIV/AIDS Prevention Street Outreach & Sexual Health Educator / Safer Sex Workshop Leader / Sex Offender Relapse Prevention Specialist / Sex Researcher / Sexual Rights Advocate / Resident Online Sexual Pleasure Pro Expert @ iVillage.com / Talk Radio Sexual Advice Show Host / Sexual Advice Newspaper & Magazine Columnist / Sex, Love & Intimacy Self-Help Books Author / Sex, Love & Intimacy Public Speaker / All Around Positive Change Agent
Dr. Bouchard's
Education & Professional Profile Synopsis:
Michael Ra Bouchard, M.A., Ph.D., ACS, ABS
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist
(Nationally & Internationally)
Psychosexual Counseling & Therapy; Sexual Health & Disease Prevention Education
Human Sexuality & Clinical Sexology
Positive Psychology & Philosophical Psychology
Specializing in High-Quality Telephone Counseling Since 1981
Board Certifications:
Double Board-Certified Clinical Sexologist
Degrees & Education:
AA: Marketing Psychology,
University of New Hampshire, Durham, 1980
BGS: Family Psychology & Group Dynamics, graduated with honors,
University of New Orleans, 1986
MA: Clinical Counseling Psychology, graduated with honors,
(62 credit Clinical Track Double Masters Degree)
University of New Hampshire, Durham, 1989
Ph.D. Human Sexuality & Clinical Sexology, graduated with honors,
(Clinical Program)
Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, 1994
Honors & Awards
Universität
Upon completion of his counseling psychology master's degree in 1989, and while then enrolled as a Ph.D. candidate in human sexuality, Dr. Bouchard established his sex therapy and marriage counseling practice in Midtown Manhattan in 1991. Upon earning his Doctorate in Human Sexuality in 1994, he expanded his New York City practice to Maui part-time, permanently relocating his practice and his home to the Hawaiian Islands in 1997.
Specializing as a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clinician and humanistic psychotherapist, Dr. Michael utilizes mindfulness based cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). From 1991-97, Dr. Michael had the highly good fortune to attend the international Albert Ellis Institute in Manhattan as both a student and a counseling client of the eminent sexologist, world renowned psychologist and "Father of REBT", Dr. Albert Ellis.
As a dedicated, well-seasoned mental health and behavioral change expert with over four decades of experience, Dr. Bouchard considers himself privileged to help people change their lives; through their gritty determination to scratch and claw their way to wholeness, his clients remind him daily he is a human being first and a counselor second.
Note: For a greater detailed accounting of Dr. Bouchard's professional development,
visit "Dr. M's Free Archive" page to read his 60-minute mini-memoir, entitled—
"On Becoming a Sexologist—
Dr. Michael's Story"
(Click below link to read now or save for later)
"On Becoming a Sexologist - Dr. Michael's Story"
Dr. Bouchard’s Academic Affiliations
Dr. Bouchard is a Graduate School Professor Emeritus of Counseling Psychology and Professor of Human Services for University of Phoenix, Hawai'i at all four campus locations: Honolulu, Maui, Kona & Hilo. In addition, as Faculty Liaison Dr. Bouchard was instrumental in developing, administering and teaching a new graduate level Marriage & Family Therapy program for the University of Phoenix, Maui, Hawai'i Campus from 1998 to 2003. Dr. Bouchard is also a Professor of Clinical Sexology and STI/HIV/AIDS Prevention Instructor at the Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco, 1994 to present.
Dr. Bouchard's Curriculum Vitae:
Sexual Health & Pleasure Center
Private Practice Sex Therapy & Marriage Counseling
Midtown Manhattan 1991 - 1997
&
Aloha Sexual Health & Happiness, LLC, Professional Counseling Services
Private Practice Sex Therapy & Marriage Counseling
Hawaiian Islands & WORLDWIDE Telephone Counseling Services 1994 - Present
Emphasis: Specializing as a Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy (REBT) clinician, Dr. Bouchard opened his Sexual Health & Pleasure Center private practice in Midtown Manhattan in 1991, providing high-quality sex therapy and couples counseling services in New York City from 1991 - 1997.
In 1994, Dr. Bouchard returned to his early childhood home of Hawai'i to open a part-time Hawai'i sex therapy office on Maui. Over the next three years he alternated between his Hawai'i and New York City offices, eventually closing his Manhattan office and permanently relocating his private practice to Hawai'i in 1997.
As a seasoned behavioral health clinician in private practice for over three decades, Dr. Bouchard employs only the most effective, evidence-based approaches in cognitive behavior therapy and psychological empowerment for adults, teens and children.
From his Hawai'i-based office Dr. Bouchard offers face-to-face sessions for individuals and couples
and
for clients from the Continental United States and International Community
via
Worldwide Telephone Distance Counseling
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State of Alaska Peninsula Community Health Services (PCHS)
Kenai & Soldotna, Alaska
Director, Relapse Prevention Therapeutic Program & Behavioral Health Specialist 2018
Emphasis: Dr. Bouchard was personally recruited by Peninsula Community Health Services Kenai specifically to create, establish and direct a first-of-its-kind in the State of Alaska Re-Entry Socialization Program for newly released former prison inmates. His role included the designing and implementation of an integrative therapeutic “second chance program,” primarily by means of individual counseling and therapy services consisting of psychotherapy, holistic support and professional guidance. The optimum goal of Dr. Bouchard's new relapse prevention pilot program was to strengthen the community by empowering newly released former prisoners—as freshly emancipated citizens—upon their return home to rebuild their lives. Ideally, leading to their successful reintegration into general society as an increasingly well-adjusted, long-term law abiding, productive and contributing member of the Kenai Peninsula populace. During this same time period, Dr. Bouchard also provided mental health care, counseling and psychotherapy to the general population of the Kenai Peninsula community as a Behavioral Health Specialist and Doctor of Human Sexuality under the auspices of PCHS Soldotna.
State of Hawai'i Department of Human Services (DHS)
& Child and Adolescent Mental Health Division (CAMHD)
Serving all the Hawaiian Islands
Sex Offender Treatment Therapist & Relapse Prevention Therapist 1997—2008
Emphasis: Provided sex offender treatment, relapse prevention services, sex therapy and mental health counseling to the adult and adolescent populations throughout the Hawaiian Islands for the State of Hawai'i, Department of Human Services (DHS) and State of Hawai'i, Department of Health Child and Adolescent Mental Health Division (CAMHD) for over a decade.
Private Practice Sex Offender Treatment Therapist & Relapse Prevention Specialist
Rural New Hampshire, San Francisco, New York City, State of Alaska & all the Hawaiian Islands 1987—present
Emphasis: Provided sex offender treatment and cognitive behavioral counseling relapse prevention services for adults and adolescents while based in New Hampshire, San Francisco, and New York City from 1987 to 1997. Since permanently relocating to Hawai'i in 1997, have continued providing one-on-one sex offender treatment and relapse prevention services to clients, face-to-face and via telephone, throughout the Hawaiian Islands and the State of Alaska, in addition to the U.S. mainland and WORLDWIDE clients via telephone distance counseling.
Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, San Francisco
Awarded Ph.D., Doctorate in Human Sexuality & Clinical Sexology 1994
Emphasis: Child, Adolescent & Adult Sexuality; Abnormal Psychology and Deviant Sexuality; Psychology of Behavioral Change; Specialization in Sex Therapy, Sexual Health Education & Disease Prevention, and Sex Offender Relapse Prevention Treatment. Elected as the 1991 Institute for Advanced Study of Human Sexuality Alumni Association Academic Excellence Scholar.
University of New Hampshire, Durham
Awarded M.A., (62 credit Clinical Track Double Masters) Clinical Counseling Psychology 1989
Emphasis: Abnormal Psychology; Adolescent Developmental Psychology; Psychology of Behavioral Change; Specialization in Marital, Couple, and Family Counseling/Therapy and Sex Offender Relapse Prevention Treatment; Researched, Designed, Implemented and Evaluated the first Peer-to-Peer Outreach Safer Sex Education HIV/AIDS Prevention Pilot Program on the UNH Campus 1987 - 1989. Elected as the 1987 - 1988 University of New Hampshire Graduate School Department of Education Thomas O. Marshall Fellow for applied philosophical excellence.
University of New Orleans
Awarded B.G.S., Family & Group Dynamics 1986
Emphasis: Child & Adolescent Psychology; Family & Group Dynamics. Elected as a 1986 University of New Orleans Goodwill Scholar; awarded full scholarship to study abroad as a United States Goodwill Ambassador at the Universität Innsbruck, Austria.
New Orleans AIDS Foundation
HIV/AIDS Prevention/Safer Sex Education and Community Outreach Educator 1982—1986
Emphasis: Provided first-response HIV/AIDS prevention instruction, condom distribution, and Safer Sex street outreach education to members of the straight, lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgender communities within the preponderantly gay French Quarter of New Orleans from its earliest days throughout the height of the HIV/AIDS pandemic.
New Orleans Crisis Line
24 Hour Telephone Crisis Intervention & Suicide Prevention Counselor 1981—1986
Emphasis: Provided confidential mental health counseling, guidance, support, community resource referrals, and precious hope via telephone to metro New Orleans callers in crisis.
University of New Hampshire, Durham
Awarded A.A., Marketing and Business Management 1980
Emphasis: Psychology of Sales and Marketing.
United States Marine Corps
United States Marine Corps Band; 3rd Marine Aircraft Wing, El Toro 1975—1979
Honorable Discharge
Emphasis: U.S. Marine Rifleman; Marine Band Bandsman and Band Public Relations Liaison.
Aloha and A Hui Hou!
